I got to a point, where the running away and hiding with alcohol became exahausting and was ruining my life. When I had 'not drinking' days (different from recovering days) I felt like you do and I hated it also. I could not imagine how to live that way.
I knew that I had to find some kind of spiritual connection with myself in order to recover. I'm not talking about religion, but about connecting with myself, my soul and understanding that I had a purpose in life. I needed to find that in order to begin to recover. Recovery is much different than not drinking and I hope you can discover that.