don't trust myself
I am in the middle of seeing what it is like to be sober for 30 days. It's my third week, and it's been okay. I know I will make it to my thirty day mark. But I'm not sure what to do after that. Because here is what is becoming clearer to me every day: I hate not drinking. I hate coping with life "normally" without ever having an escape. And the truth is that I realized that despite all that I do for my family and for my work, my deepest yearning is simply to get away from myself. I don't trust myself because I think that I am selfish and manipulative; almost as immature as my own children even though I will go to great lengths to cover it up. And here is the scariest part for me as I contemplate drinking again: I don't think that I can change because I can't stand being so uncomfortable and "real" all the time. I can do it all day, but I want my escape at night. How did any of you do this for longer than a month?