Dee, thanks for the links, I diod take a look at them, and maybe I should contact the Samaritans. One big problem is finding help I can afford, or is free….often, I am told I ‘make too much’….but with all my bills and garnishments, I take home almost nothing….so even if ‘on paper’ it says I make 30k, in reality, I make almost nothing. So finding ‘free’ help has been hard, ‘cause they generally look at income, and not debt……anyone have advice for how to get around this? Maybe those Samaritans will have some ideas.
Ananda, I hope better years are coming. It’s just very hard to picture right now……or how long it will take. I think that is the problem: a sober look at the bills, and making a budget has only made me think that things are even worse and more hopeless than I had pictured…….
Alera, I live in a rustic studio space in an old warehouse, artist lofts they call them. Very crude kitchen, we have a shower, though in our space, burners, but no oven. It has a great city view, but is in a sorta dicey area, lots of broken glass, we get hookers on the corner, guys as girls, mainly, though the police have been rounding them up more often, gives us something to watch.
Zen, I sure hope I can surrender to win, as you say, and find something to grasp hold of. This schedule change has not helped, next week is back to normal, but now suddenly, I have to wake up in the morning, and being a night shift worker, the adjustment has not happened, I’ve been functioning on maybe 3 hours of sleep a day nowfor the past three days, got real drunk last night, took pills, woke up to broken glass even inside the flat: I worry more about an OD than suicide, I lack the nerve for suicide, but an OD worries me more, one of my bfs co-workers just OD on pills and booze, and it sounded very similar to things I have taken……
Each day I wake up and am still alive seems like a kind of miracle right now, even if I drink or not…..I think, I am still living, I have done so for 41 years now, isn’t that something? All those times I thought I would die, all those plans I had made from the age of 12 on, and here I am. Alive, after all that.
On one hand, I have been very good at not pulling the plug…..on the other hand, I am pretty sure I know how. It’s funny, like that.
Maybe I ought to see a shrink soon, and just not pay for as long as I can get away with it. Then I might be able to file bankruptcy again in a year or two, will have to see when I last filed….and if it’s been 7 years……that would help……
Rambling……..
Trying to find ‘hope’ today, but being so tired…….
SP