Lostnhurt

I am new to this forum. I would like to say I am new to this life, but I married an addict seven years ago. Why? Because I made excuses to dance around his addiction and because he said he loved me. The most important reason was, I love him. Yes, he is a great husband. Yes, he is a great father. But when he's in the midst of trying to quit, he's now neither. I have been lied to, and our finances have been depleted. So why do I still love this man and stay by his side? Why do I put my five year old at risk with all of this. Those are the questions I have. My husband has never been physically abusive. He doesn't have it in him. But, I do realize now he has been mentally abusive because he has made me an enabler. He knew that I never was into drugs and barely have a drink. He just made me believe (yes, I said made me) that smoking pot wasn't so bad. He made me believe that his taking my pills from surgery would help his back. I was nieve, no more. My husband finally went into a program last week. It was the hardest week of my life, but it was all about him. Yet why is it that I am the one trying to keep the home front together? Trying to keep my very young, but smart daughter from realizing that her father has a very serious sickness? Why do I feel responsible for all of this? I never took the money away. I never confronted him. I never stopped him. I believed all of his excuses -- "I'm depressed and this is the only way I can handle it." "My mind runs so fast, and pot is the only thing to slow it down and keep me sane and level." I should have realized how bad it was when he sent me to a large city on a train at night to meet someone to buy him pot. Me, his wife, and he was willing to risk my safety for his pleasure. We even had to "find stuff" on vacation. He even tried to suck me in. When I had my daughter, I will never, ever forget when we were in the hospital and I was recovering from a painful and complicated c-section. The nurse would come in and give me two pain pills. He convinced me to slip one aside for him. And the worse part is - I DID IT. To this day, I cannot understand why. I think I would rather he cheated on me with a woman than cheated on me with drugs. I don't know what to do any more. Whenever I talk to him, I end up feeling guilty. He's the one having the problem. He's the one suffering. He's the one trying to battle this. Me, well, I'm the supportive one - have to be there for him. Never once has he ever considered me in all of this. Sure, he's said sorry in tearful words, but then turns around and repeats his actions. I just want to drive off a cliff. Seriously. I have thought about it so many times. However, I have a little girl who depends on me and who I love and adore. I also have a husband who depends on me and who I love and adore. However, that love is being tested over and over again. As I told my father, I am a tough cookie. As my father responded in kind, even the toughest cookie begins to crumble. I have now crumbled and am at a loss. If I ever lost my husband, I would be lost. However, we cannot continue on this path . It is not healthy for anyone, but especially my little girl. Our little girl. The one person I thought would make him change his ways. HELP!!!! I don't know how to go forward any more. I am loosing faith in everything. I am crumbling.

This is my post from yesterday, which someone kindly shared that the thread I wrote this on was old, so to reach out for more advice. Interestingly, I wrote that while my husband was a a meeting. However, after that meeting, he didn't come home until 1 a.m. (it was a 7 p.m. meeting). Being that this is absolutely not like him . . . he's never done this before . . . I was worried. I reached him about 9 p.m. and he said he went to a pool hall with people he met at the meeting and they were exchanging numbers. That led me to believe he'd be home soon. After that, he didn't answer his cell. From 11 p.m. until 1 p.m., I thought he was dead in a ditch or had been arrested. I called the police department, and I called the local hospital. Since he was at neither, I then felt he was in a bad place dead in a ditch. That was the longest two hours of my life! When he came home, he couldn't understand WHY I was concerned. Okay, that was so bad - it means he never once considered my feelings or that I was home with our daughter. Today, he was depressed and withdrawn, and sweating. He swears he didn't do anything other than have a drink . . . he says the sweating is from him taking too much of the medication (Adavan?) from rehab. I just don't know what to do any more or how to react. I feel him slipping away and not wanting to help himself. He did not go to a meeting today. HELP ME! I am at a loss.