Originally Posted by
teke 
the times i spent seperated from my loved ones due to my drug use were the most miserable of all of my days using. in my mind, i loved and missed my family dearly, but my actions didn't show it and they did believe that i didn't care about them. they believed that if i cared about them then i would "just stop" using. they couldn't relate to the fact that i couldn't "just stop". drugs were controlling me and my actions.
.
For totally selfish reason this is important to me. I understand that addiction can rule ones life. As a healthy (at least non-addict) person it is confusing when a person says they care and their actions do not match. it is of some small comfort knowing that when she said she cared, or would rather be with me she probably meant it...but was just unable to overcome the obsticle (draw of the addiction) to express it in actions. I am sure that there are some addicts who don't mean it, and are purely being manipulative, but clearly not all, at least not all of the time.
It is hard for me to imagine the internal struggle of wanting to love, be loved, and feel secure with your family and significant other but then having such a draw to using (which in all likelyhood hasn't been "fun" in a long time) that you choose that instead. That then pushes the loved ones, life you would rather have even futher away. The way I understand it too is that sometimes the internal unhappiness is so loud that even with loved ones it is too much to bear. the only relief is using. It must be a terrible place to be.
I am glad you have found your way and choose to share with all of us.