Been awhile since I posted in here. Left the boards for a week or so as I was disgusted with my inability to stay sober. I'm good for a few days, then I drink one night, ok for a few more, than back to it. It's better than I used to be, but still discouraging. I've also been binge eating and have put on about 30 pounds in the last few months. At least I'm still clean from the pot, about 3 1/2 months now!!
I just felt like I really shouldn't be offering advice when my own house is still very much "not in order". I talked to my theripist about it and she suggested that if this place is helpful to me (and it most definately is) it would be wrong to leave. Perhaps I should be asking for more help and offering support rather than advice. So that is what I'm trying to do now.
I had a really rough day Wednesday. I had my first appointment with a new psychitirst, as I have moved to a new area. I have never felt I have gotten a proper diagnosis, but that is mostly my fault becasue I was stoned 24/7 for so many years. You can't fault the doctor when I'm the one screwing up all the time. Now that I have been clean for an extended period of time (though I still obviously have my issues with alcohol) I hope to be able to get a better handle on my mental situation. She was doing a through history with me and asked when I first started feeling depressed. I told her it was when I was about 12 years old and that I thought I had been sexually abused. This is something that I have only recently started thinking about and have only discussed it with my theripist and a couple of other people. She started asking me for details, and I don't have any, just flashes of memories that I don't even know for sure if they are true. Part of me feels like it is something I have made up to "cover" for my years of substance abuse, but I react very strongly when I "go there". My mind just snaps shut, if presured to continue I start to shake and twitch, I start thinking suicidally again and eventually just kinda shut down and stare blankly into space. I know she was just doing her job and trying to be as effecient as possible, but I really felt raked over the coals.
Fortunately I had an appointment scheduled with my theripist immediately after this one. I was pretty shell shocked when I go there, shaking, twitching, "zoning out". We basically spent 3/4 of our appointment just "talking me down", doing breathing exercises, "energy work" (eastern stuff with meridians and such), just trying to get me calmed down, because I was really in a bad place. I still ended up drinking later that night, but the way I felt before I got there, I don't know if I would have even made it home.
I've joined a forum for suvivors of sexual abuse, but have yet to post there. It makes me so uncomfortable to even think about this stuff. I know I need to find a way to deal with it, but it just terifies me to even approach it. I just want to not be a damm freak, to be normal, whatever the hell that is!!!
Other parts of my life are going well. I am getting to see my son more, at least every couple of weeks. My job is going good. So overall thing are better than they have been in some time.
Congrats to Misty on the job. I know how much it sucks to be out of work. I was for about 3 months before I started the job the first of this month. Unfortunatly many of us define our "worth" by our jobs, at least I have a tendency to. I know it is not true, but it's easier said than truly believed. Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hope everyone else is well. Take care my secular peeps.