Originally Posted by
Venice 
Where I'm at now is that I'm feeling comfortable that we cannot live together like this any longer. I'm seeing a counsellor today that I stopped seeing a year ago to help me sort out the options and make a plan. She also does family therapy and I'm going to ask about counselling for the children. I'm supposed to see the attorney on Friday.
I'm thinking that I will try to have a conversation with my AH where he can come to the conclusion on his own that we have no future together because we cannot live with his behavior any longer. There's a part of me that is wondering if I should suggest we separate, he move out and get treatment and that if he agrees to this, then he could perhaps move back in in 6 months and we can see then if it can work as long as he's being treated. But I think this latter option is in my mind only for the sake of the kids as I'm not sure I even want to try. My 16 year old said he would not be happier if we separated but he's not happy with the status quo either and wants us to stay together and for his dad to change (not likely to happen but he's wishing for it). I also have an 18 year old son who has not been involved in any of this as he only just returned last night from a month-long trip to Europe so I need to find the right moment to speak to him. So I'm thinking I may tell my AH that the only options are:
1. We file for legal separation, he moves out now, gets treatment and after 6 months, he may be able to move back in to see if it can work. If not, the divorce goes ahead after 1 year separation.
2. We file for divorce and he moves out now.
I'm also thinking that if he refuses to move out, I'll get a court order that will force him to, something I didn;t really want to do before but somehow is making more and more sense now.
To all of you who were concerned for the kids and my safety, I really appreciate your concern but I don't believe our safety is being jeopardized at this time.
The counselor, the lawyer and your living in reality about what is not acceptable are all signs of personal growth and recovery. Good on YOU!
Take a look at the underlined sentence. You are making a decision that requires action (acceptance) on the part of an active alcoholic. This will likely back fire on you. He will try to manipulate, blame, and guilt you into doubting your decision.
Your decision is that he leaves.
You then have a choice of legal seperation or petition for divorce. Your decision will be based on your needs. You can change your mind later. Seperation can lead to reconcilliation (sp?), divorce can change to seperation to reconcilliation, seperation can proceed to divorce, many, many options and all are adjustable.
Your 16 year old is having magical thinking about his father's addiction. Al Anon has brochures for families of alcoholics that explain the effects on the family and the reality of the addiction. He also is basing his opinion about your marriage on his experiences. He does not know what it is like living in a home that is free of active alcoholism and negative energy. He has never experienced a home that was filled with love, respect and compassion. He is embracing his discomfort as security, because that is all he knows. Anything else is unfamiliar.
My motto when I began to make healthy changes for myself and my children was "Embrace Uncertainty". If I based all my decisions on my own personal experiences, I would be living in my past. It's all I know, knew and had. But if I open myself up to uncertainty - I might just find that there are more fulfilling options and experiences awaiting.