checking in
Hi everyone!
How are you all getting on? It has been so long since I last posted here so I thought I would write a few lines to keep you up to date on where I am and perhaps you would share.
I was tempted to say 'things are pretty much back to normal' but I don't think thats the right way to put it. I feel calm and easy and for the majority of the time now my life is very enjoyable. I certainly haven't felt any 'black spots' for quite some time. No nervousness, no sadness, even my bad days now are brilliant compared to what a bad day could be!
I am still single and I am really enjoying all my spare time re-connecting with family and recently I've been taking time to me by going out regular with friends to the pictures and for meals. I find it so much easier now to speak from my heart and not hide my self away from people, I find I am truely connecting with others on a more meaningful level than I have done... possibly ever.
Exabf is apparently engaged, I feel sorry for the girl. I have breifly chatted to her once and she seems to be just like I was. Content even to be engaged to a man who still drinks, does not work, hasn't even bought her an engagement ring and has not set a date with her. I see his manipulation to keep her and her need to be loved and wanted written all over it. May peace and happiness find them both.
Work is more of an issue as I find my reactions to others are stronger there. Not so much within the family as I have learnt to speak my truth and bow out of what is not mine to mend. Work seems that all those lines are still blurred and I find myself pulled into a reaction and then having to delve myself back out of the choas that creates again. Still I am getting more skilled with detachment in that area too, hoorah for me!
I have very recently come to a realisation that my furture is going to be beautiful. For a few months now I had become aware of a feeling I have been carrying around with me, slumbering under the surface, there but not in touch with my conscious self. I felt that I was always going to be alone. No more to expect from my life than what I currently have. Not that the thought made me miserable or anything. I just kind of accepted this was how things were. I took joy in my family, my daughter my friends, but I did not expect, dare I say it, any more love to enter my life. Recently that changed and in the most bizarre of circumstances - with a dream. I won't go too much into it but safe to say in my dream I met someone and through the disjointed images and ideas, I suddenly become very aware of a conviction although I was asleep, that my mind was communicating with me - I would find all that I hoped for and that I was not going to be alone in my future.
It is hard to explain, but since that night I have been set free, like before - although the idea I carried around was that I was destined to never meet some one who I could love - did not cause me pain, it did limit my creativity, my connection with my true essence, my higher self. I can't tell you what joy I feel now. I know the world is my oyster and I am loving it.
My daughter is away this week with her nan in Wales, staying at a cabin so I am foot loose and fancy free. I still get bothered by the silence, I find it strange that she is not around, but it is good for me to not fall into dependance on her or anyone else to fill up my time and sense of purpose, I know that must come from within. I have taken up my much loved hobby of reading lol! This Wed I am off to the cinema with my best friend and to enjoy the evening in good company.
So I hope you are all finding the joy in your lives too, I sincerely hope my message finds you all well and happy,
Much love and blessings to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx