Regrets....
I was having a discussion on this topic with my friend who is in AA just last night.
She had an intersting perspective.... In her humble opinion (her comments as best I can remember them)
"Feeling regrets and remorse for your actions is THE KEY indicator that someone is truly working the program and trying to heal themselves. The things addicts do to those around them, especially their families, are beyond comprehension. When I truly 'got it,' I literally went in front of my parents and got on my knees and begged them to give me another chance. As part of my ammends to them, I committed to showing through my ACTIONS, not my words, that I was a different person. When they said jump, I asked how high and then tried to jump 10 feet higher. I told them there was nothing I would not do to earn back their respect and trust. I meant it, and I showed it every day. I cleaned the house. I took out the trash. I cooked dinner. I washed the car. I did the laundry. I made breakfast. I openly admitted my mistakes. I apologized when I was wrong.
"It took almost a year before they even began to trust me again. I wished, hoped and prayed that the trust would come back sooner, but I realized that I had years of damage that I was trying to undo. I also realized that they would never fully trust me again. I had to be ok with that.
"It is impossilbe to do a true fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself, if you are an addict) and not come away from it feeling like the biggest piece of **** that ever walked the face of the earth. How could you look in the mirror and see how you lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, and so on, and feel no regret? If you feel no regret, then you would be willing to go do it again.
"It is also why the 5th step (admiting to another human being) and the 9th step (making amends) are so hard. You don't just have to look at yourself in the mirror. First you have to admit to someone all of the horrible things you have done and then you have to and admit them to the person you directly harmed.
"The biggest and most challenging part of making amends is the commitment to never do that again. If you don't feel regret, why would you say you are never going to do it again."
What she said to me rang very true. Until a person is truly in recovery, the question of feeling remorse or regret isn't really part of the equation.
HTH