hi Queenie..
well if i sound strong ..its only because of the school of hard knocks!!
loving an alcoholic or druggie IS the school of hard knocks!
but i was with him because I wanted to be with him.
no excuses..no apologies.
i loved him..i know he loved me dearly too...BUT..
he also wanted an enabler..and he wanted an enabler MORE than he wanted
his soulmate!
he wanted an ATM and a servant more than a life partner..
he wanted a one way street..i wanted reciprocity.
so as i set firmer boundaries...knowing full well as time went by..that i could not please him..i had to take care of myself too in the mix.
that went over like a lead balloon.
the less i focused on him..the more cranky and unhappy he became about the arrangement.
i saw him when it was convenient for ME.
When i changed...i knew there would be a backlash..but i didnt expect it to be of this magnitude..
but if you dont do it the king baby way..
dont be shocked if its THE HIGHWAY for you!
(whoever coined the phrase my way or the highway...must have been an alkie / addict !)
he would bitch if i didnt go there in a hurricane like weather..
complaining i let him down again! lol
completely oblivious to how he let me down MANY times..
but with an addict/ A ...that never matters.
we are supposed to be strong..the give all..the do all..
never get sick..never complain...never disappoint..and hell..it just doesnt work that way.
i guess he saw that i was doing less and less and not about to yeild..
so he found someone else who would.
i never realized just how selfish the addiction makes them..
selfish and lazy and self centered and oblivious the needs/ feelings of others.
alot of time has passed since we split..i have healed alot....not completely..but quite abit..have had time to go back and look at the whole timeline leading up to the "crash and burn' breakup.
i know that man loved me alot...but what ive learned is
his addictions came first and foremost...
and that was what was "driving his car" and making his choices..
not love..
but necessesity.
it is the addiction sweetie...not YOU.
it takes time..and lots of it..to heal..to get yourself centered after a ride on the alcoholic rollercoaster/ merry go round..
keep reminding yourself of the FACTS.
the addiction rules..
its first.
i completely understand all your emotions and still feeling attached ..etc.
believe me..i still love my ex...and still miss him too.
and i ALWAYS will
i hear ya.
love,
kmmk:praying