Corri

I'm new.

I wish I weren't knew. I wish I didn't even KNOW about this place. I'm astounded I'm even here.

That's just truth.

But here I am, and that means I know I have a problem. And I have no idea what to do.

I've been through lots in my life, and I've always been able to overcome. Always. Somehow, in my 40s, I'm not so good at it anymore. If one of my kids ever came to me and said, "Mom, I'm having a problem with x, y, z," the very LAST thing I'd do is be critical of them for it. Somehow I'm not able to extend that same empathy to myself.

Just to give a rough outline... mom divorced married and got divorced three times before I was 14. I was sexually molested... once by a step-father, for a long time by my brother. Never ran away, never got into drugs. He finally quit when one day I snapped... threw him against a wall... LIFTED him off the floor in a choke hold and told him if he ever touched me again i would kill him. I meant it.

Was the first to graduate from college. Binge drinked in college. My senior year, my mother was in a car accident and spent four months in a chemically induced coma. Graduated. Got married. Had two beautiful sons.

xH was 18 years older than myself. For the 15 years I was married, I spent 12 years in and out of counseling with the most brilliant shrink one person could hope to find. He helped me greatly with my sexual issues.

I've been in five car accidents in my life. None of them my fault. Honest. Two of them were very serious. One when I was 20. The second, when I was 38. As i recovered from my second, my divorce hit. I was just starting my own business at the time, as well.

Can anyone say drama?

Not minimizing it, by any means... but through all that crap... I was okay.

One day, during the beginning stages of my D, I had a drink on my back deck. That started it.

As a survivor (of many things), as is my custom, I remain incredibly 'calm' during the worst stages of stress. But now, late into my 30s, I pretty much had just about all one person could take.

My anxiety levels shot through the roof. Stress. Jesus. My mind ran non-stop and I could barely sleep. I just wanted it all to shut off so I could flippin' sleep soundly. Just for ONE night.

And drinking... helped a bit at first. I went to see my shrink, I went to see my doc. Doc put me on a low dose of Zoloft. 8 months into it, i decided to wean myself off. Hated it. Thought I could 'deal.' My dad then had a heart attack and I brought him home with me for a few weeks. He's a Hobo, by the way. Stellar human being.

So, day-to-day life stuff just keeps happening, and I never felt like I had any time to just catch up and breathe. No excuse. Just the way I felt.

Anxiety attacks returned.

Anyway... this up and down stuff continued to happen for quite some time. Drinking in 'binge' mode knocked me out. I don't drink everyday. Not even every week. But when i do drink... whew.

Finally said enough is enough. Took myself away from everything in my life for a month... went and plopped my butt in Sedona, AZ to get my crap together. Learned how to meditate at much deeper levels. Got into Qigong. Came home. Humming right along. Thought I had turned the bus around.

And then two days ago... for no reason that I can possibly fathom... I got drunk again.

Okay. I slipped. Back on the wagon. No beating me up over it.

Now, today, I want a drink so bad I can't stand it. No booze in the house, but I know as well as anyone I can go and buy it and convince myself I can stop at one (which I know I can't), and so.... here I am.

I have a problem. I'm pretty sure of it.

Any strategies to deal with cravings that I know eventually can turn into an obsession would be greatly appreciated.

Corri