I am quite confused,
I'm used to repressing my negative emotions while beating my self up over negative thinking
and my brain is like a kingdom of interactive babushka dolls in a "fun house" mirrored maze
I don't have the luxury (does anyone? or is it a curse?) of being aware of an event/action of abuse
yeah, I have issues, but am uncertain of where my AF's involvement/intentions get mixed up with my fears/ not asserting boundries
one of my main character defects is that I can argues and figure out a way for any situation to be completely my fault.
(This hit me when I was trying to explain to my mom that the weather that day proved I was a "bad" person. needless to say, I can get far-fetched)
My default setting is that I'm not ____ enough (good, hardworking,etc.)
and I'm an extremely moral & judgemental person when it comes to myself.
anyway, my AF is gone on vacation and all this terror and revulsion of him is coming up
even though
I was always the one to go to him when I was upset/needed help/ for comfort. like a sick 5 year old I'd go to his bedroom when I couldn't sleep or had a nightmare
Having an AF as a sole support and main influence,
who's also an ACOA and, well,
admits to liking and being attracted to my body, always wants hugs, I am unable to say no since I have always took his word as law and now I'm so terrified, but don't want to go to a social worker or anything since I don't wanna go to a group home and nothing actually happened, right?
does this sound familiar to any of you?
I have less than 2 weeks 'till I see him again and the dynamics will be twisted and
do any of you know anything I can do?!?
a plea for help
(and, to be honest, some "oh honeys" and "poor you"'s)
(and "help" as in your experience and advice, not like the time my sister entered a fictional story for a writing contest and someone called Children's Aid to investigate my family.)
