Originally Posted by
anvilhead 
we also gotta own up to our part too.......sure she may have been a lot of things.........but who picked her? and who hung on to her?
I agree with one part and not the other. The part I disagree on is that we got to accept our part in picking them. The reason I disagree is for many of us the person we thought we picked was an allusion. Someone they chose to play. I had no clue when I married my husband that he was an addict or an abuser. None. And there were no signs. My therapist and I went over it many times and there really were none. He played a part to get what he wanted. He was a very convincing actor. If I had had a sign that he was an addict or abuser I would have run in the other direction fast. I had a daughter to protect and was very stricked on who I dated. So there may be signs for some people but not for everyone.
On the hung on to part I totally agree. It was my choice to stay when he abused me, it was my choice to stay when I found out 5yrs into the marriage that he was also an addict. Didn't help that I had just given birth a few weeks earlier to our 3rd child. I did have choices and I made very poor ones. So I do agree we have to accept our part.
IPT all I can say is when you get those feelings go do something special for you. Something you enjoy. It helps. I didn't believe it at first when my therapist told me this or the women from my survivors of domestic violence group told me also. But it does help. I still wish he would suffer the way I did. But when those feelings or thoughts come I phone my kids, or I go for a walk with my dog, call a friend or do my crafts. Something that will change my train of thought. These thoughts are my problem not his. He is his own worst problem. He has to take care of himself and I have to take care of me and my kids.