IPT - You are dancing a dance, back and forth, spin around, always comming back to the same steps, taking a break, sitting down to rest, only to get up and dance again.
Except this dance has gone on for so long, that it has become the motions that you have to take, not because you enjoy dancing any more, but because you just can't stop.
She is in your thoughts all the time, analizing your every action, her every action, what could I have done different, how could she do ......., how could I have ever let things go this far. and so forth and so on.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes, that it feels like you have been run over by a Mac truck pulling a fully loaded trailer...bump bump, bump bump...all eighteen wheels.
The obsession over how, why, what, when and will it ever end, cycling over and over again. Hurting so bad, that it is like tunnel vision, all you see and hear and feel is the hurt.
I've delt with these things my entire life as far back as my memories will take me, from family on to relationships. It helped create this co-dependent person that I am today.
I broke the dance off finelly, the same as you are doing today. One of the biggest things that changed for me and helped me see things differently was almost dying. Yes, it took that for me (hopefully not for you).
I realize many things now, my tunnel vision prevented me from seeing some of the most beautiful sites around me, it prevented me from living life. It blinded me. For every day that I continued to dance, I lost that day. Every morning I wake up and remind myself, my days are not infinate, I have only so many, how do I choose to use this one today? If I do nothing else, I choose to stop and see something beautiful around me today. A sunrise, a puffy cloud, a flower, a majestic tree, an innocent child. I truelly stop and observe these things and allow them to fill my senses. In the process, a little bit of the toxins from the past, flows out.
I try to make a conscious decision, that no matter what has happened in the past, I'm not going to loose today too. It makes me feel good, it eases the pain and I even find myself smiling.
Try it, maybe it will help you too.
Hugs and Prayers
B