Jimmcf

I have been looking on this site for a while, but this is my first time posting. I have known it for a while, but was afraid to admit it, but I am a alcoholic. This has been progressing for a number of years, and I am not sure how I let it get to this point.

Growing up, my Dad always had a few (probably 6) beers after work, and I came to think of that as normal in my mind (having drinks after work). The strange thing is, I was the kid who never drank - all through high school and college. I was (and am) very shy, and always found it difficult to make friends. I did not start to begin to enjoy alcohol until I was working in my twenties - going out after work with colleagues, that kind of thing, and found that I of course was less shy. At that point it was beer (Bud Light mostly), and this continued from my mid twenties to mid thirties. Back then, I lived in Massachusetts and cannot believe the number of times I got behind the wheel of a car. I have been in New York City now for over 10 years, so it has been the subway - but if you are drunk on the subway, that can hold it's own dangers as well.

In August 2001, I had gastric bypass surgery, and lost over 100 lbs. Prior to the surgery, I was a total virgin - never even kissed anyone. I say this because I began to date - and that usually involved meeting for drinks more times than for coffee. I started drinking cosmopolitans (still what I like), which are a lot more potent than the Bud Lights. After a couple years, I did meet someone, and we moved in together; his father was an alcoholic who died from it, so he had never had a drink in his life. Our biggest fights were around this issue - I liked to make a drink as I cooked dinner, and he would get upset about it - he would smash bottles, or one time even after we had broken up he emptied every single bottle in the house while I was exercising. I did begin to drink heavier towards the end of the relationship - he is from Brazil, and is not out to his Mother (whom he is very close to). For his Christmas present, I brought her over to visit - she stayed with us for 2 months in a 1 bedroom apartment. I did not speak Portuguese, she did not speak English, he would leave me alone with her on the weekends, and I think that was kind of a turning point with the drinking - the total loneliness (even when he was here we could not show any affection, even though I believe she knew he was gay). I think I have been drinking heavily ever since - you know the cycle - waking up with "never again" and lasting a couple of days, but surrendering to the urge (this has been going on for a couple of years now).

I have recently been laid off (although I think my drinking may have contributed partly to that decision as well), and am about to have someone I have been seeing for a couple of months move in on Friday (he also was laid off a few months ago and we are trying to consolidate finances - normally we both agree it would be too soon). He has told me he is concerned about my drinking - and so am I. I have not had a drink since Saturday (since he asked me to make one for him and his friend, so I joined in very easily). But a strange (and I hope) good thing has happened - I have been reading this book, and I did not realize one of the characters was an alcoholic until half way through. But the way the writer described what she was going through - I felt like I was punched in the gut. I could clearly see this woman needed help (like me, she was denying it) - but the talk of having rules that soon went out the window (i.e., no drinking before 6, then well, 5:30 is close, etc.), the heaves, the sweating, the sometime tremors, the theory I can stop or limit myself, going to different liquor stores - made something really click. I realize I need help. Maybe one good thing about loosing my job (which I loathed) is that I will not really have the money to drink even if I want to. I am feeling physically better now (the other night I was embarrassed about how much I sweat during the night - like he KNEW the reason - and he probably did).

So I guess that is where I stand - I feel like the detox may be almost over - but also like I need some support as well. I do not feel like drinking now, but am certainly worried that will change.

Thanks for listening - hope I did not ramble too much.

Jim