I want to welcome you to SR and let you know that I have also for the most part been where you are. I have said what you are saying and have thought what your thinking. I kept getting beat until my mom threw me on a plane bound for Chicago. 6 years and 1200 miles was what it took. Fast forward 15 years and I married another alcoholic/addict. This time, I was the one who was violent. I would get so mad at him for being an addict/alcoholic that I would punch him or throw things at him. I had never defended myself in the first relationship. I pushed my second husband into violence and once the line is crossed......you can never jump back over it.
I recently left my 2nd husband because he was using again after many detoxes and several rehabs. Everytime it was the last time. Every time he made some great progress and I was sure that this time was for real. Every day I waited for the other shoe to fall. Every day. If he was tired, I would think he had been using. If he woke up in the middle of the night, I was sure he was using. If he was gone too long, I was sure he was using.
I recently realized that my quality of life was a big fat zero. I had been trying to break away from him and practice recovery skills for 2 years. I had been here posting and getting the most sound advice of my life but I was very resistant to it. I was going to meetings and lining up the support I needed and now, I can say, in retrospect, I could have spared my whole family alot of pain if I had just listened and practiced what was being taught to me.
He is your boyfriend. Not to sound harsh but boyfriends are expendable. There are no legal issues for you and there are no religous ties to this man. It won't get better. It Will get worse. Addicts relapse when they are not in recovery and your boyfriend is not. You, however, can be.
Coming here is a great place to start. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Celebrate Recovery are good to for face to face support. You can hear other people's testimonies and feel their pain. You will know your are not alone. You will be given tools, love, sympathy and acquire the WILL to take your life back and live it as it should be lived and be treated like you deserve to be treated. It is a process and for some of us (like me), it's a long process full of frustration, bitterness, self-pity and eventually VICTORY.