Hey man, Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a fair few things in it.
I too can find myself creating moods in which breed the "F*ck it" mentality where booking into a hotel room in the city and just going out on 24/7 drinking binge with all the revellers and chatting Sh*t to strangers and putting the world to rights seems like the escapism that I 'deserve'.
I have found that I have to keep my thinking pretty much in the "one day at a time" at the moment as thinking too deeply about how I've F*cked up the past and also about how I am unsure how to progress in my life just breed thoughts of "f*ck it".
My goal at the moment is really just making sure I don't take that first drink under any circumstance, seems a small goal and I can have thoughts of "how the f*ck has my life come to this?" but I know that sobriety is fundamental to me being able to get my life back on a good, positive track.
Thanks again for your story man.