087never

Well hi, this is my first post on this forum. I finally stopped drinking around five and a half weeks ago and thought I would post as I seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about alcohol, trying to make sense of it all. A little about me, I am 27 and have drank too much for pretty much my whole adult life. I have lost many freinds as a result of my drinking and it has caused me no end of financial problems and missed opportunities. Before the age of 24 when I split up with the girl I was with at the time, the drinking had been a two sided coin, the good and the bad, and even though at many times I knew I would probably be better off stopping I still continued anyways. It was after this relationship break up that the serious, alcoholic drinking began ie, drinking in the morning, during the day and ultimately reaching the stage where I was simply incapable of doing anything or going about even the most simple day to day business. I was wrapped up in a world of my own convinced that my situation was much worse than it really was.

Basically, the relationship break up was easily the worst thing I have ever experienced. When it ended, at dublin airport as in when it actually occurred to me that I would never be with the girl again, it was an incredible shock that I had not prepared myself for. Everything seemed to turn black and white, in a near literal sense. This is when it all began. On the way back from oz, I stayed up for 58 hours straight travelling across the world and drinking constantly, drinking litres of vodka and wine. The continious drinking did not stop when I arrived for uni in the UK. The change in circumstances as well was unbelievable, in addition to the break up, I had left my country, my mates, the beach house I lived in and the class car, to one of the worst areas of inner city nottingham in the UK, in to a delapidated property that I shared with 3 strangers. That was all in the space of two weeks. On top of all that, I had resumed smoking at 60 a day even though I had been happily quit for well over a year. The smoking itself represented a complete loss of control for me, it was like waking up from having never smoked in my entire life to this incredible nastiness. Of course, I knew it all had to stop, the drinking, smoking; everything. So I quit both cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, joined a gym and got a part time job and a car. That was over the space of a week and I lasted 9 days in total, when I was sitting in the library at midnight doing some coursework, I thought to myself; "is this all there is?" same thing all over, except I was now only drinking late at night. I think I ****** up that time, and many other times, because I expected quitting drinking and smoking to fix every other problem in my life. Eventually, I was too far behind and incapable of completing the year. I stopped going in to work. I couldnt do anything really, except drink. In a desperate attempt, I decided to jack it all in and go to australia. I booked a flight straight out, gave the car away for free and left the flat even with four months rent paid. I didnt give a ****. I spent 18 months there in total, but the drinking continued regardless, I enrolled on another course, got a part time job, joined the gym, but despite everything, I was still on 10-15 beers a night and STILL smoking atleast 40 a day. The pressure of my living arrangements became too much, so I moved to Surfers Paradise, gold coast australia. It should have been amazing, but I just didnt seem to be capable of stopping the drinking. I was drinking much more now, the full on 24/7 all over again because I did not have much to dicipline me. I had no confidence and did not manage to get a woman in the whole two months I was there. I could not even get organised to find an apartment, so lived out of hotels and guest houses, running out of money at one point and spending a few hellish days in a basement dorm that smelt of ****. I continued drinking, directing what little I had left on alcohol. It became all too much and I returned to Ireland, fearing if I spent any more time there I would have to return with no money. Getting back was a drastic improvement. I stopped drinking before getting on the plane, and when I got back I was hardly drinking at all. This was to be the start of many short periods where I believed I was magically cured and could now drink normally again. Strangely enough, it never lasted. I finally got my **** together and got two jobs and everything was looking up. I wasnt drinking much but knew fine well it needed to stop, I was uncomfortable about that one bottle of wine or eight cans a week I drank, questioning the point. Then I lost both jobs, the first through no fault of my own, the second as a result of the increased drinking. I had to move away all over again and this was the beginning of seven months alone in an apartment where the drinking rapidly got worse. I was now on 24 cans of lager a day, two twelve cases a day. Then things improved rapidly, before it all went to ****. I was drinking a fair bit every night and couldnt really see any reason not to. Then one day I got caught out. I drank two and a half bottles of wine and a few beers, despite promising myself I would stay off drink that day. When I woke in the morning, the withdrawal was severe. I tried to hold out, but could not. At midday, I went to the fridge to pour myself a glass of wine, saying to myself; "just one" I knew at the time it was a ridiculous lie to myself. This was the last time I ever drank. I ended up having half a bottle of wine, two cans of cider, a bottle of champagne and 30 beers, in the space of less than five hours. This was more than I had ever drank before and I knew it could have killed me in any number of ways or even through direct alcohol poisoning. If my mate had not come home unexpectedly that day I could have died, I knew the odds of that having happened on that day were higher than the odds of staying alive, and that is what finally stopped me.

I am now doing pretty well, I started a new sport I enjoy with the wakeboarding.

I realised a lot over the last few weeks, things about my drinking and myself that I never even realised before. The most suprising was the bad moods. Usually if I had been off the drink for a short while, or knew rightly I shouldnt be drinking, I believe I engineered these moods in my head, making out my situation much worse than it really was to give myself an excuse to start drinking, or buy too much drink. I realised this driving home from a job interview in a foul mood on a friday to face an empty weekend, consumed with jealousy over a woman and anxious over whether I would ever find a satisfying relationship. It occurred to me to drink, just buy a bottle of whiskey or something and sit on the sand dunes with it or **** off up to dublin, get wasted at a hotel. Thoughts of escapism really, but in a destructive way. It never developed in to contemplation though fortunately.

One day I hope that I just wont think about it as much, that the obsession will end, and that I can stay off it and start making some serious progress in life. A personal trainer at the gym once said to me "you need to stop sitting around getting pissed and dreaming about it and just go out there and do it".

Well anyway, I hope I havnt bored anyone too much. Five weeks and two days sober enjoying life