I completely understand where your coming from with how the crack relieves that discomfort. But are you just reliieveing the discomfort of the urges and boredom? Or is there discomfort somewhere else in your life. I am sure the job thing may be an issue for you as well.
But yes..That anxious excitement is a thrill in its self. But ksplash. You and me both know that spending the amount of money we do and the risks we take for misery that isnt worth it. Making some dude that could give a F about you..whether you live or die and makin their pockets fat.
I know what you mean too about not enjoying it. I use to way back in the day. But I havent in years. I get all paranoid and going a million different directions at once. Swear that someone is goin to come over and see me buggin. Or the cops saw me on the cop cams in the city gettin my drugs and are gonna bust my door down. I can not be calm at all when I am high. Especially if I am home. Then coming down I have a paranoia tha drives me crazy. I swear someone is going to break in and hurt my grams. I listen for hours coming down for the slightest sounds. I am so terrified that sometyhing is going to happen and that they will get to my grams and hurt her before I can do anything. I have had that geek for the longest time. I hate that feeling. I am suppose to feel safe in my own home and I dont.
It is so freakin stressful.
But like you..I dont know why I have kept goin back. I know how its gonna go. I already know everything that will happen. How I will feel. The agony of wanting more. The miserable paranoia. The shakey come down. The feeling of wanting to drop off the face of the earth becasue I am so ashamed now.
I have seen so much and been through so much behind crack. I really couldnt tell you how I am not doing serious jail time or dead. I honestly cant. But yet knowing all that and have been through what I have been through and still go. Its insanity. It really is.
You are def not alone. My best friends sister was set on fire a few days ago on her relapse in the street on crack. She is in a burn unit right now. Her head face and shoulder were burned pretty bad.
All it takes is one little time to take your life. One tiny attempt.
I really am glad your ok. I am so glad you are back on track so quickly. I never want to see someone beat themselves up. Get back up and try again and work harder. Learn and improve your program.
I really get passionate with other addicts liek myself.
I have seen and been through the darkest hells that crack can bring you.
I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy. And I have so much respect for ones like you and others who have the courage and strength to keep trying and to overcome what seems like a life sentence of complete self destructive misery.
I am very happy and thankful you are here.