four812

i relapsed last friday, the 5th time in the last eleven months. each time has been for one night.

I was suddenly alone, and the thought that my kids were gone for the weekend came into my head and i had the thought of using...then i had a small urge, then i thought i got nothing going on anyway--so **** it i'll use.

i went downtown and tried to buy from someone off the street...i approached two teenagers and after waiting and missing the clues that they were taking me for a ride, when i went to hand them the money for the crack they tried to take the money and i wouldn't let go of it...so they pounded on my head from both sides until finally i let go of the money and they stopped and ran off.

then my car wouldn't start and i was stranded there with blood all over my clothes and car. after pondering my situation i got a tow truck to take me and my car to the dealership. so i arrived at the dealership with blood noticably splotted all over my light grey shorts and checked my car in...then i went to a store nearby and bought new shorts and put them on and threw the old ones away. my shirt was ok i figured because it was red. after spending 2 hours at the dealership i was up and running.

i was angry and thought to myself "Now i am going to use"...so i got more money out of the bank...went downtown again...and got the drug and went home and diid my usual ritual of insanity. I went back to get more 3 more times, as has been my habit, and finally quit around 11pm.

my eye is black and swollen up but i can see fine...and i got a big gash on my forehead that is the source of where my blood came from. it hurts to touch somme parts of my head and my jaw as i received about 40 punches. many of these punches were not direct hits, but a few were. my teeth are all intact.

so today is now my 3rd day clean again. I jumped back into the meetings and am pretty embarassed

i share this with you as a reminder to those here that relapse can bring some new elements into your recovery. for me this was the first time i was really beat up. I was lucky to have not gotten hurt badly.

for me it has never helped to think about the consequences. and I don't expect different results when I go back to the drink/drug. I experience discomfort...be it anger, self hate, lonliness, boredom to name a few...and i don't want to feel it...and so i medicate myself.

it's like if my foot is hurting...then when I use it's like taking a 10 pound sledge hammer and wacking it into my knee. after that my foot is forgotten and i'm in new pain. crack is nothing but pain for me. I don't enjoy it but it takes away the discomfort. If only i could simply drink again that would be better. but the problem is that a drink will only lower my defenses and send me right back downtown, besides the FACT that if i could drink and not smoke crack then I would most likely end up drinking everyday and go the route of alcohol.

so that's my situation. I'm doing good today. I'm glad I have people in AA who care for me. there are many who are sad for me, and who care and don't judge me which is helpful.

so I'm telling myself to start practicing prayer...that's new. and to stay in today which i've practiced a lot lately and also have room for improvement. somehow i have to live with the pains of anger and boredom, and to live with the underlying FEAR that is the root of all my discomfort.

thanks for listening