well, i'm back to hating my life again. nothing surprising.
i've stuck with a bootcamp fitness program for 2 weeks now and i'm enjoying being able to keep up with the others better....and friday was 'game day' and i scored 2 our of the 3 points for our team playing a form of frisbee....kinda like soccer. the other team never scored.
been staying at sis's the past week or so (it's so much closer to the town where the 5:30 am. bootcamp workouts are).
yesterday, i was grumpy. didn't realize it tho until mom called and i couldn't stand talking to her and then sis got home and asked why i was grumpy. i shouldn't have been grumpy tho b/c the guy i've been dating off and on called me and wanted to see me for a bit during his lunch break. i have fallen in love with him....even tho i've tried not to over the past 6 months or so.
when i left, he said he'd call me last night. he knows how i hate it if he says that and then doesn't so i really thought he would. instead...he called this morning. i almost didn't answer because i was a little hurt, but did.
he said he went out for a little bit last night and then came home early and crashed....which was why he did't call. yeah right. it all struck a cord with me. i've been trying to cut him off for several months now, because even tho he has feelings for me too...he is kinda just out of a relationship and not interested in having a serious relationship in the next year or two. i need a relationship since i have fallen for him....especially so.
anyway....i've tried just not contacting him before, but always end up texting him or something....so today i called him back. i point blank asked him if he had any feelings for me. he got silent. i told him it's okay if he doesn't that i just want him to be honest. he still paused and then quietly said he does...he just doesn't want anything serious right now.
i told him that's not good enough. that i love him (never said that to him before) and that i need either need something real with him or i need to stay away from him. He said he's just the kind of person that need a lot of alone time and who often goes months, sometimes years, without even talking to his family.
it was clear to me that he didn't want what we have to end, but i explained that if he thought i was special enough to be the right person for him then none of his other stuff would matter and he'd want to be with me and not let me get away. He disagreed saying that he's not like that and it's never worked like that for him. He said he thinks i'm a very special person and that i'm sexy (i told him he's the only guy who's ever told me that in my life) and that he likes just about everything about me.
I told him i'm not strong enough to step away from him on my own and asked him to please not call or text me and if i end up contacting him (which my patterns show i will) then i asked him not to respond at all. he didn't like that and said he thought that would be rude of him.
i was crying by that point and he felt bad for that and appologized, which i told him it wasn't his fault. I just explained that when i met him, even tho i wasn't thinking of him in that way, that i want 'the fairy tale' and that he surprisingly turned out to be my fairy tale. I've never dated a better person, guy, anything than him....so of course i want to be with him.
he explained that everyone has vices (one of his is kind of sex...not quite addiction-like, but he has a huge appetite for it)...and then he said maybe mine is love.
Love? As a vice?
It made me think. I've never found anyone who i could love and who loved me back even close to the same amount....been searching for it since i was a child. So i guess he has a very good point.
So, he asked if i was really cutting him off. I said i have to b/c as long as my heart is tied to him then i won't be free or open to looking for anyone else....and i explained that i didn't want to be the kind of girl who waits around for years for the guy she loves to come around and decide he wants to be with her.
Truth is....dating him is better than any relationship i've ever had before. i'm still free to be myself and have my life and then spend a glorious evening out with him a couple times a month in which i stay the night and get cuddled and kissed all night.
I don't think i've ever said it before, but if he asked me to marry him tomorrow i would say yes and be willing to run to any courthouse right then. That's how special this guy is.
But....as long as he just wants to keep it casual....it's hurting me....some in the short run, but more so in the long run.
so...i told him goodbye for good. He asked one last time if i really didn't want him to ever call me again and i said, "Not unless you really want to be with me." He said this sucks, but he respects it and understands why.
I don't think he will ever call me again. And i'm sad, but it's necessary for self-preservation.
Jenna