whining (or not?) part 2
my mind is working on accepting/planning moving out of the apt - and of course THEN i think "well, but what if he DOES come back in a week?!" - - - well - even if he came back right this second, i doubt he's coming back with rent money and a job - by not working on accepting that i AM going to go live in my son's basesment, i think i'm just in denial - and if THAT thought doesn't help, i think it'll be good for him to know HE lost us our home! is that bad or good?? maybe a bit of both -
i don't understand - i've cried for a total of maybe 15 seconds - i smile, i laugh, i'm functioning - no one realizes that it hurts all the time or how MUCH, i'm scared all the time, i'm sad beyond words all the time - NOT that i'm expecting people to read my mind! i'm not - but even when i tell them - - - i don't know - they're surprised and when i say i'm scared + sad, they pat me on the back (sincerely!) and tell me what a great job of coping i'm doing -
ok - but if i'm doing such a great frigging job, then WHY do i feel so scared, sad, hurt?? if i *hurt* so much, what don't i CRY??
i've always thought it SUCKED that "Doing the right thing" doesn't mean you'll feel any better - worse yet, "Doing the right thing" usually guarantees that i'm gonna feel waaaaaaaaaaaay worse - at least for a while - doesn't seem very fair!!! (yeah yeah yeah i know - "Life is Not Fair") - well doesn't THAT just make you want to stamp your feet and throw things -
i think i'm afraid that i'm just 'stuffing' all these emotions and that if/when they come out, i will totally lose it -
i don't think i'm stuffing - - - but if i was, i prob'ly wouldn't let myself know anyway - but "losing it" scares me ALOT - (diagnosed as bipolar 25 yrs ago) -
all day i think/wish/hope/pray "please come home NOW" - it's this very quiet, sad, scared, little voice and it's way down deep, but it is CONSTANTLY there - that little voice doesn't know how she (ME) is ever ging to be "ok" if my hunny doesn't come home + hold me + tell me __________ everything - - -
he is (was??) my Soul-mate - i never believd in things like that until we met - he is (was??) my PARTNER -
i feel like i have been torn in half - and i have no idea where my other-half is -
Blue