Secret Addiction no one else to talk to
Hey everyone I have been reading around on these forums for about 3 hours now and can relate to many stories. I dont even know why I searched this site on google this morning. Im pretty sure it has something to do with when I called the guy at my work who normaly always has the perks/pain killers this morning and asked him to front me 5 perk 10's since I forgot my wallet today at home and he said he could not. I have been thinkin A LOT about quiting my addiction but cant seem to make it happen so today I decided to search for some help on the internet since its something I used to LOVE doing. I feel as if I cant turn to anyone close to me about my addiction for many reasons. One is that no one knowns about it friends or family I keep them all completely in the dark about taking pills although its becoming harder and harder since my bank account is always negative and I never have any money or feel like doing thing anymore. Another reason and this reason hurts me the most is that my moms brother died pretty much directly because of oxy.. He was up to about 15 oxy80's a day to the point where when I visited him (At the time I did no drugs at all) he could not even walk without holding on to the hall walls or reason right when he was not on them. My mom and I were there on easter and she started to cry and he told her to "stop or hes going to get more of them". But this is a whole other story that I dont really want to get into but you would think I would learn something from all that huh? But I feel as if I went to my mom.. who I am VERY VERY close to it would just kill her to hear whats become of me. She already has so much to worry about and for me to tell her its now happening to her son I think it would hurt her to much. I have a family now too which is still kinda of new to me and I live in my own apartment with my girlfriend and my 1 year and 3 month old son. My girlfriend does not know either about my addiction but she is noticing that our joint bank account seems to always go negative and wonders why we have to pay all these overdrafting fee's and of course I always have some story as to why I had to take the money out. But now I feel like im getting out of control since before It would only be about $40-$80 negative and now I dont seem to care and will do anything to get perks that I will over draw the account $100's of dallars. Like right now I am almost -$400 in the hole! But I always seem to care and worry after I got the perks. I have a good job so i guess I figure that hey i have enuff money to make it right again coming soon but then im out $400 now and of course my girl friend wonders how we go threw so much money. I think about my 1 year old son all the time saying to myself how stupid i am for overdrafting the account like what if he gets hurt... what if he needs something ... how am I going to get it!!?? and then I hope and pray nothing happens or we dont run out of wipes or milk until we get paid again. All this going on makes it very difficult to sleep since its all racing threw my head. Im always as late as can possibly be with rent, cable, peco bills and wait till the last day to pay them and then sometimes Ill even pay only the min to keep the service on but then now be in a deeper hole for the next payment all to save or spend money to get perks. I used to be able to control the consumption of perks back in dec 08 and january 09 when I didin have enuff money I just did not get them and I was only taking about 2 at a time... but when I got my tax return to my suprise it was for much more then we thought clearing over $7,000. So wat did I do? I was getting perks and any other pain killers that were around and before I knew it im now taking 6-8 perk 10's at ONCE and they only seem to last for about 2 hours and then I want another 4-6 10's and so on. I used to be offered oxy80's and I would say ill NEVER do them or get them for anyone after seeing my much missed favorite uncle taken from me because of them and would say yea if I ever took an 80 it would prolly kill me. But here I am now able to take an entire oxy80 and still feel it but nothing like before and I dont since im afaid to but I do start wanting another 80 after a few hours but dont. I used to LOVE gaming online and computers but now I feel like the pain killers have taken wat I love away and I dont ever feel like going on the computer anymore which is soo hard for me to believe since it used to be all i lived for I built my own computer and I used to game online pretty much anywhere from 10-14 hours a day daily. I have been trying to quit for a while now even since before my son got here even then I didin take them often but I would say to myself that when my son is born I am going to never take them again. And here I am worst then I have EVER been. The fact the I had a lot of money for a little bit and easy access to the pain killers I just kept on taking them in higher and higher amounts. Every night seems like a fight with my girlfriend since before I was heavily taking perks I always wanted to have sex but now it seems not that I have lost interest but I just never seem to be in the mood or feel like it and of course that pisses her off and now I have been finding myself sleeping alone filled with mountains of stress and worry. One of my biggest fears at the moment are losing my job because when im not on the perks I dont feel like doing anything while I am at work if I managed to make it in that day. I just want my life back and I wanna be able to live life happy with my new family and get out of that damn apartment. We have such big dreams and plans and I feel like I have been just stalling all of those things and maybe ruining the chances to get there forever. Anything anyone has to say would help bad or good I just need help and I dont have anyone else to talk to freely.