frightened
i feel like a fool for coming back here - i joined SR, new in sobriety, told my tale to you guys, got all the positive feedback i needed, then left..i do admit coming back here for knowledge and experience though, this is a great forum.
i'm stuck, yeah i think that's it, please bare with me if you do read this, my head is in 11624 places right now.
im confused and SCARED and i can admit that, i seriously say it every single day how scared i am.
my whole attitude in sobriety has changed, completely. i came into this, proud of myself (no rehab, just myself saying its time), happy about meeting friends, going to meetings was good, got a sponsor, open ears to learning, just so WILLING (my sponsor would constantly tell me how 'easy' i was as in an easy sponsee).
I'm 43 days sober and that's gone. I mean i did learn a lot so far because that's how i do know what i'm doing now is not right. I find myself of course, happy i'm sober, but Rachel (me) on the inside is far from happy. I'm restless and irritable.
I feel like i started diving off the edge right after my 30 days, i felt great how things were going, met nice girls, i was okay with not using, and if i wasn't i'd always reach out. now i'm just sitting here fighting myself. i almost feeling i was putting on a front? cus i was always good @ that, making ppl think im doing the right thing when im really not taking it seriously.
also, a few days later, my bf hit his 30 days as well, we get in a fight, he then tells me he was just doing this program for me - not him (which i kind of knew) but hearing it sucked, he wants to continue being sober, just isn't ready for AA. Now a few weeks ago, that Rachel was okay with this because my bf wasn't going to meetings with but he wasn't drinking, then him going to meetings was amazing to me - like YES i'm not alone..which wasn't the right thinking either now looking back..
quick background on me and bf of 3 1/2 yrs : we used since day 1 of our relationship, really bad with cocaine, then we quit and started drinking HEAVILY, it was ruining us and we always wanted coke by the end of the drinking..were both very sick, i think im worse then him but who knows, but regardless im extremely dependent on him.
ANYWHO - so here i am, i haven't been to a meeting since last wed...uhm i told my sponsor i'm looking for a new sponsor (which is partially true, because i wasn't really into how she was doing things, our schedule clashed, we never were alone when we met up, etc), so now i don't talk to her really, Ive distanced myself from anyone really in AA that i was in contact with by not going to meetings or anything. I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG with me. I mean digging inside myself, i feel like maybe i'm not fully accepting that this is my life, i'm sick and i need to do these things to get better. I honestly am going insane sitting @ home and just hating everything, for no reason - my life isn't bad at all, esp. now that i don't drink/drug.
i really did enjoy reaching out to these friends and other woman that could help me, i ALWAYS felt better doing the right thing for me, going to meetings, talking to ppl, but now because Ive pushed myself away again im more scared then ever to jump back in..i haven't spoke to anyone in AA about whats going on with me..i almost feel ashamed, even though i haven't relapsed or anything, just ashamed in how willing i was and now im so negative?
i just dont want to hate life again so bad that i do really jump out and drink/drug again. i'm scared to reach out in person to someone just yet so i figured some online sharing would be helpful, i'd appreciate if anyone was ever in this boat and could let me know some words of advice, or anything - i'm scared.