(((((sara)))))
I'm sorry your are hurting and suffering in this relationship with an advanced stage alcoholic.
Please understand that you did not cause his alcoholism. He is an adult and made the choice to consume alcohol.
Please understand that you can not control his drinking. As an adult, he will have to choose how much and how often.
Please also understand that you can not cure his drinking. You are not that powerful. Only he can cure his addiction. He has to make the first step. He has to want to stop the progressive cycle of addiction. He has to want it more than anything!
Just as he is an adult and in total control of his destiny, you are in control of your life. You have choices to make, you have control of your responses, and you have control of which actions you take.
You do not have to put yourself into publicly embarassing situations anymore. You have choices. You don't have to go, you can order in for the evening. You don't have to physically support a drunk, they bounce! Let him fall down and pick himself up, over and over and over again.
You are letting his alcoholism suck the joy out of your life. This is your life too. Your precious life should not revolve around his addiction.
Please take the time today to contact a support group, a therapist, or even a massage therapist! Do something kind for yourself. You have taken care of him for a long time, who will take care of you?