Originally Posted by
sfgirl 
I feel like as long as you know the voice exists and you get better and better at recognizing it, you are all good. Also you don't seem to be too comfortable or actually cocky is a better word which is a good thing I think so it means you are working on issues now before they actually present themselves. You seriously seem to be doing amazingly.
I think it comes down to acceptance. I cannot ever drink again. It’s easy to say it, but not believe. It’s a hard truth to admit and really mean it… a big step. I’ve said it over and again…and anytime I think I can cheat, I remember what happened the last relapse.
My last relapse wasn’t tragic and it didn’t last that long, but it was the hardest one to get over. I almost didn’t make it out…and that scared me.
My last relapse also pulled me out of my denial about my other mental illness…depression. I couldn’t deny any longer that I needed serious help. I feel better now, but looking back I realize how bad I was. Suicidal thoughts ruled the day…I could not control my mood. It was out of my hands…as much as I wanted to believe I could think it away it wasn’t possible. I gave up and finally reached out for help.
Originally Posted by
sfgirl Did something click for you in your recovery? As an outsider, reading your posts, it seems to me like something clicked and you suddenly completely "get" your own recovery. It is awesome. Does this time feel different?
I think a lot of things are contributing to this and these things work together to make this possible. I am on a couple of meds for depression and I think this mix may be the right balance for me. If it doesn’t work out I will find something that works, but for now it’s doing the trick.
Not being a slave to really bad mood swings means I have a clear mind and can actually handle recovery. I still have irrational thoughts, but I can better recognize my negative thinking and can approach it rationally and calmly. The meds would be useless without therapy. Therapy is very important for my mental well-being and for my recovery. The meds make the work I do for therapy possible. I’ve filled my drinking time with photography. A few months ago I bought a nice little digital camera and I’ve been having a lot of fun with it. You can see some of what I’ve captured on the SR photography thread at the Café.
Taking pictures gets me out of my head. It is a healthy way to escape…and even when I’ve been really upset I’ve made myself go out and do it. It helps to keep me sane. I’m on SR every single day. The support here is invaluable. I’m so glad I stuck around here for awhile…there’s some really good stuff going on here. The people are simply amazing…I’ve never met folks like this in my life…and these sober people are the most interesting people and are definitely not boring.
Before my last relapse I thought I had “gotten it”, but I crashed and burned. I hesitate now to say that I “get it”. I know that I need to stay on top of this no matter what and this goes back to…
…acceptance. For both the addiction and the depression. These things are here to stay. I know what to expect and I know what I need to do to take care of myself…so take care of myself I will.
I’m learning to love myself. It’s not easy, but I have to love myself so I can believe I’m worth it. I am worth it. There is an amazing person inside of me. I lost my light a long time ago and I desperately want and need it back.