collegegirl

I just found this website today, and I thought that it might be some help... I haven't ever posted to any kind of forum before, so I'm new at this.

Anyways, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about my drinking lately. It started when I was 14. I always had older friends, so I had unlimited access to alcohol from an early age. I didn't start small either. Even when I was that young, and all through high school, I always had at least 1 bottle of liquor in my nightstand at all times. I have drank almost every day since then. In high school, I always drank the hard stuff, and a lot of it. Then, I didn't think it was a problem at all. In my mind I was just being rebellious, and I thought it was cool.

I went to college, and it just got worse. I had a lot more friends that were over 21, and I had money, so I always had a lot of alcohol. I used to stock up on it, because I was afraid of running out and not having anyone to buy it for me. I lived by myself for the most part, so I could drink as much as I wanted at home and no one would know.

I'm going into my 4th year of college now. For a few years I have dismissed the idea that I could be an alcoholic because I'm too young. But I can't deny it anymore - all the signs are there. I'm almost afraid to quit drinking - when I don't drink for even a day, I feel really sick, and I get so agitated that I can't even be around anyone. I want to quit, but one of my fears is that I'll have a seizure or something. I don't know how physically dependent I am.

Anyways, the weird thing is that I'm extremely functional. I go to a good school, and I will be graduating with a triple-degree soon. I have a B+ average, which isn't great, but not bad considering I never really study or anything. I'm also working full time while going to school... I have a pretty good job for being in college, and it's a 9-5 office kind of thing. I manage to keep up with work and school, but drinking is definitely interfering. During the week, I go to work, and by the afternoon I am craving a drink. When I get home the first thing I do is have a drink, and I drink until I pass out. Then I wake up and do it all over again. Sometimes on weekends I will start drinking right when I wake up, and alternate drinking/sleeping for the whole day.

I was afraid to turn 21. And I just turned 21 a few weeks ago. I thought it would be a huge deal and I would be out drinking all the time. But nothing has changed. My friends want me to go out to the bars, but I rarely do because I can't stay out that late. I'm usually passed out by the time my friends call me to go out. Lately I have found myself making excuses not to go out with my friends because of my drinking. I rarely make plans to go out in the evenings, because I don't want to drive after I've been drinking.

I'm just frustrated because I don't know what to do. I know I want to quit drinking, but I don't know how. I feel like I'm drinking my life away - all my days kind of blur together. I would love to just drink like a normal college student - go out and get drunk once or twice a week, and be sober for the rest.

I'm just pretty down on myself now, and I'm hoping to find advice or something in this forum... I would also like to hear about someone who has had a similar experience. I have completely hid my drinking from everyone in my life, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.