SailorKaren

Permit me, searchin, to encourage you with some excerpts from your post. I too have struggled with feelings of guilt and shame with the way my last relationship ended, and my comments are as much for me as they are for you.
Isn't it amazing how we will remain devoted to a partner who has this level of dysfunction. To be sure, our devotion can be excessive and dysfunctional in its own right, but I think it is a testament to our extraordinary capacity to love another in times of trouble. You have a great gift.
OK, right there, he broke your marriage vows and betrayed your sacred promise to each other. You could even argue that his mental abuse was enough. But he escalated from that and became violent. From that moment on, you were in a "dead marriage walking." He put the ball totally in your court, to do as you would choose in the face of his decision to end the relationship. Here is what you decided:
Would it have been any different if he had smashed his car into a light pole and been killed? You would have moved on. And look at what you created for yourself:
Way to go! You are demonstrating excellent care for yourself and your daughter.
No, he sent himself into a tailspin by choosing to drink and to continue abusing himself. Then he chose to seek recovery by getting sober and getting a new job. Good for him. Really. But the marriage is still over, and you decided to move on. Those are the facts, and they are indeed sad ones. You are under no obligation to undo your choice to move on. He has the choice to move on as well, and make no mistake, he will face consequences for the choices he made to hurt you. Those are also the facts, and they are also sad ones. Letting him experience those consequences is another great gift you can give him. You do not owe him a reprieve from that.
For me, when I am experiencing shame, it is a very uncomfortable emotion that makes me feel like an intense spotlight is shining on me, and everyone is staring at me and thinking I am defective in some way. Guilt is exactly the same, with the additional thought that I have done something wrong as well. When I am feeling intense guilt or shame, I have a tendency to want to blame others, because that will move the spotlight off me and onto another. Blame is a coping strategy, but not a cure. I think your husband is feeling a lot of shame right now. See how he feels defective in that no woman will want to be with him? And watch his coping strategy of blame kick in:
He is so desperate to escape the painful experience of shame, that he twists the facts to say that you abandoned him, and that his happiness is your responsibility. Driven by shame as he is, he can spot it in you in an instant, and he is causing you to feel shame in a moment of your weakness. He knows how uncomfortable shame will make you feel, and he is in effect torturing you. It is the act of a coward. You have the right to feel angry about this. Feel some of the anger and let the energy of it move you forward and away from him. He is entitled to seek healing and relief from his shame in a healthy and constructive way. You are not obligated to be a part of that. In fact, you may not be well suited to do so. It will require professional or specialized intervention, like what you are getting from your counseling.
Oh searchin, I have to pause a moment to blot my tears as I feel the depths of your emotion...... searchin, this is so not your fault. searchin, your love and faithfulness shine like a jewel. searchin, you are a beautiful soul, doing your very best with a virus you did not ask for. I don't know how he got it, but it was not because you gave it to him by choice. He may have received it from you, but he made a choice with full knowledge of the risks. searchin, you need not blame yourself. Abandon that strategy and send an extra measure of love and compassion to your feelings of guilt, and let them fade in the confidence that you are not in some way defective, but are in fact a special and valuable woman, full of gifts with willingness to love and share with those around you. Love for yourself, and pride in your wonderful accomplishments are the way through guilt and shame, not a strategy like this:
I know, deeply, how painful the guilt can be. Don't try to avoid its intensity by taking an action you may later regret. Try to feel it fully and explore its deepest origins. Talk it through with your counselor and others you feel will support you unconditionally in this work. Turn it on its head and look for something to take pride in how you acted. Here's some examples:
Healing the shame that binds us is perhaps the most difficult thing we will ever face in our lives. Stay with it and wait for the miracle. I assure you it is there, and it will transform you forever. Please keep posting and share in the love and support we have for you.