Inquisitive1

I have decided to write up a short version of my circumstances in a bid to gather opinion and decide whether or not I have any problem with alcohol. The main reasons are my drinking has changed in style frequency and is starting to affect other areas of my life. However compared to some of my friends, I drink relatively little and respectfully.

I am a 27 year old male from London. I used to drink a few cans of beer on a weekend from age 15 upwards, but when my parents divorced at the age of 16 I started to binge drink at weekends. This would only be a Saturday night but I could get through a fair bit, usually 10 bottles of Alco pops and maybe then a little wine / beer. Never really used spirits. I would be able to wake in the morning without issue, maybe a small hangover, but never anything too bad. So, typical teenage drinking, on a weekend.

I left home at 19 after starting work, and this is when I started to drink the most. Shift work meant I started at funny times and I would tend to drink more because I could. But I started to stick to rules. For example, I would never drink by day but only in the evening at a set time scale. It was a way of unwinding to me and a chance to meditate. I am into spending time on my own and reflecting, so tucking away a couple of bottles of red wine listening to my music collection after an afternoon shift when I knew I could lie in the next morning was very therapeutic. I could do this 4 nights on the row sometimes. I wouldn't tend to drink before an early shift and never on nights. Hard to say how much I drank, but probably at least twice a week, sometimes more.

I started a different shift pattern in 2004 consisting of basically 5 days on 5 days off but longer days. (The 5 days on are basically a couple of days and a couple of nights). Now, when I first started these shifts, I was renting with my girlfriend (now wife) and life was getting good. I made a new rule which I have NEVER broken to this day, which was to NEVER drink the day before a day shift. I decided I could not face waking at 0500 with a hangover to face a 14 hour day. This worked, but, I entered my heaviest period of drinking. The 5 days off allowed me at least 4 nights of boozing which I did for a good 2-3 years. In addition I started a habit of drinking on the day to night shift as I could get home for 8pm, drink into the early hours and not have to be a work until the following evening. I am still on this shift pattern today, but I have lessened my drinking since around 2005/6 and am drinking less now than I ever before. It seems to be a slow decline in volume and here is probably why...

My dad died last year at 53 of oesophageal varices which some of you may know of. A very gruseome internal bleeding caused by years of alcohol abuse. His parents died of a similar thing but that was more alcoholic dementia, withdrawal and general long term heavy serious abuse. My dad and his parents drank day and night, every day, for nigh on 30 years for my dad and probably 50 years for my grandparents. So yes there are genes there, but, there are also vast difference between me and them. It was a way of life fore them which they could fit in around work (dad used to trade in the city so champagne lunches and the grandparents used to run a hotel). They abused spirits and drank by day, daily. I on the other hand am now drinking around 2 to 3 times a week on average, with strict rules, such as I only drink wine, only in the evening, never before work, rarely before a special occasion or during one if we are away etc. I am also extremely fit, I gym minimum 3 times a week and do a lot of long distance cycling. I am about as fit as I ever have been. That said, I have noticed a few things that make me uncomfortable and that forms the basis of my first post which I hope to add to when asked more questions about my circumstances.

For this part it is important you know about an aspect of my personality. I have always been a bit obsessive about certain things. I am not OCD or diagnosed OCD, but, pretty close to it in some ways. For example, I am a clean freak, always cleaning and making sure that my house and garden is immaculate. I can cope with dirt or messiness, but I don't feel comfortable around it. Another example is that I can never seem to do things in halves, e.g. I never eat 1, 2 or 3 biscuits, I scoff the whole pack. I do this because the pack is full, and it seems natural to me to finish it. I am obsessed with finances, so much so that I know exactly what money is in what account, what comes out when and my current account is always rounded to a multiple of 10, i.e. my balance would be £130, not £134.56. I do this to be organised. So you see, I have certain tics that are not out of control, but just the way I like them to be.

1) Now I have noticed with my drinking that I seem unable to have just 1 glass of wine. I am not saying I am physically in need of the second glass, but, I always buy 2 bottles of wine and intend to drink them both, which I always do. Sometimes I don't quite manage 2 and tip what’s left away (no idea why but always do). But there have been occasions where I finish the 2 bottles and then feel like I have "run out" of alcohol which is a bit concerning. By then I have had 2 bottles so I don't "need" more, but if I do finish them and I am not ready for bed I want more alcohol as it seems the natural thing to do. So, this could be that it is just my obsessive personality controlling how much I drink in terms of what is physically there. But could it be that I am literally unable to stop at 1 glass? But then I counteract that by not drinking for 2 or 3 nights - coming to the assumption that I then don't "need" the alcohol.

2) I am experiencing shortness of breath / anxiety attacks the day after I have drunk. This is like clockwork, and hits hardest in the evening. I had a small bout of anxiety between ages 6 and 8 that passed and nothing was diagnosed or pinpointed as a trigger so this characteristic is in my system. It has returned now though and after a coupe of years of me monitoring it there is a definite link to alcohol. i.e. It will NEVER EVER happen when I am under the influence, but it will 80% happen the day after when the alcohol is leaving my system. I have put myself into situations to learn all about this and know exactly how to control it. I can deal with it fine on my own but being in a confined space or with others makes it worse. I fidget and can’t seem to keep still for long. The sensation is a bit like if you are out of breath from exercise but suddenly breathe as if you’re resting – it feels like you are not getting enough oxygen. Ironically doing exercise helps because it restores a natural breathing rhythm. The main issue for me is others finding out about it, and that thought scares me and makes the situation much worse. Pathetic, as I am worrying about nothing in particular. I know it is in my mind as usually if I leave the place from where it begins, it is relieved. Now this in my eyes is either a genuine anxiety attack not linked to but triggered by alcohol or it is some form of withdrawal from when I drink or delirium tremens. Very hard to call which though – any thoughts or similar experience?

3) Recently on a couple of occasions I have had to cancel or delay lunches or informal social meetings with friends or family due to being too hung-over or waking up too late. That in itself seems wrong to me. Could it be that happens to all of us once in a while, or is it that I am losing control of my consumption? Again I am sometimes choosing not to drink at all the night prior to any important engagement – what does that tell you about me?

I am just after some sound advice and honest opinion. I am being honest and I hope you will be. I am most interested about my anxiety issues which tend to start 12-14 hours post when I stop drinking. It is quite a physical feeling even though I know it is in my mind.