Hang in there misty. I am in the midst of a mini crisis myself, but it will pass. I was thinking of the "fun" part of drinking/meth/pot, and before I can even get into the fun part in my head, the fear hits. I don't want to be dependent on anything or anyone right now. I want to be in control of all of my actions. I want to keep my big girl panties on, and face the tough sh!t head on, and learn from it without clouding it over.
When you say you had fun using, it just makes me a bit sad/worried because it sounds like you aren't done, and bad things can and probably will happen to tweakers.