Can I ask a sincere question? Focusing on myself....means detaching or divorce/separation? Aren't I past the stage of detaching? During the day the kids and I go places and hang out and have fun to the farm, swimming, ect. Even at night we go to my parents when he is home or go shopping. But it is a "nagging" feeling in my head where I look around and see that things aren't better. AH isn't working at it.
I just feel like detaching is ignoring it and isn't this too bad to ignore?
Detaching is not just ignoring him and/or his behavior. Detachment is a skill that you learn to use in your own life, in dealing with people alcoholic or not. For me, learning detachment was learning how to detach my feelings from the situation, without blaming, hatred, etc.
Only you can decide if it's too bad to just continue to ignore it. You have to examine your own needs and your own values. I've never married (for this very reason) so I have never had to make so serious a decision. My mother has been married to my alcoholic father for 40 years. She has been through it all (although I don't think he ever cheated on her and if he did, she never found out). She has chosen to live her life the way she wants to live it. She has her own set of friends, she stays busy night and day, she stays gone from the house from morning till night. He does not participate in her life but they still live in the same house. They are more like roommates it seems than anything else. Sometimes he does things that hurts her feelings and/or irritates the bejesus out of her. None of it is good healthwise because now she has heart disease (from stress and his smoking) and diabetes. Not to mention that every time she sees an older couple holding hands, she gets very sad. I know she would like to have a loving relationship with a partner, where they do things together that people their age do, especially at her age now (70).
It sounds like you are living your life as you care to live it (GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!) and doing your best to ignore what he is doing. Ask yourself, if he never changes is that OK with you? My mom has stayed with my dad for many reasons, but the most important reason, she says, is because she made a commitment to him when she married him and she will not go back on her commitments. She always tells me that no matter what you have to follow your heart. So, don't beat yourself up too much about this decision. When you know, you just know. Examine your own self and you will find the answer.