Why bother?
I'm back to one week substance-free. I feel so underwhelmed by this "milestone." I've had a weird sort of apathy regarding my lack of substance abuse lately. I don't want to go get toasted and buy some meth, but at the same time I just don't really care either way. I wouldn't go out in search of it but if someone had some beer or pot or maybe even meth here right now, I'd probably do it.
I feel like it doesn't make any difference. I wanted to stop drinking and using because I thought my life would be better. It's better I guess because I have a normal-ish sleep schedule and I'm not hungover and I'm not worried about the police showing up. In trade I have zero social life, which sometimes really bothers me and sometimes does not.
I admit that it's not *good* to go get drunk and do some of the stupid crap I have done. But it was *fun.* I have very few regrets about it, in fact I had a lot of fun, it was adventurous and exciting. I'm not crippled with guilt about what *could* have happened; I just don't care. All's well that ends well.
I used to care. When I first stopped drinking I felt bad that I put other people in danger by driving drunk, treated myself very poorly, stole for drug money. Now my attitude is sort of like, "**** it, that's life." And when the person I wronged was a drug buddy, I just figure that's the game, that's what happens when you do drugs and if you don't want to get screwed over you probably shouldn't be doing drugs. I don't really feel remorse for it.
What's happening to me? I feel like I've lost any sense of why I stopped using. The reasons to stay sober no longer seem compelling. My life doesn't seem to have much reason behind it, I just sort of exist. I don't want to go back to where I was in terms of drug use, but I wish there was something worth the effort to stay 100% clean and sober.