It wasn't as hard as I had imagined - "leaving"
Had some "thinking time" today while I was out picking raspberries. I do a lot of thinking when I'm busy with activities like this, and by myself. Being married to my XAH for 27+ years, I have lots of memories, and he came to mind in the raspberry patch - I suppose as he use to help pick them sometimes.
It occurred to me that all the worry I had done about "leaving the marriage, how I was going to make it, raise my kids, and keep the household together" wasn't as hard as I had imagined it would be. I worried about how my kids would feel without their dad around on a daily basis, how the holidays would be around home without him in the picture.. thinking about the times that he was OK, I tend to remember the good. In the back of my mind, I remember the bad very well, and at times it creeps into my nightmares.
I am still working my way though my own codependent issues obviously - or I wouldn't be reading and posting on this site. But all in all, I feel pretty happy about my situation. The final decision was the right one, and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I had to have lots of time up front of "NO CONTACT" to make it work and I knew that from past breakups that in order for me to stand firm "NO MORE CHANCES", it had to be that way.
I've seen my X a few times, (not intentionally) and am happy to say that I have felt NOTHING! No feelings for him at all. I was amazed at that... after spending 27 years with someone, how I could feel nothing!
So, for those of you that are struggling with the same worries - I say: It's not as hard as you have imagined it. There IS life after living with an alcoholic. I'm discovering each day, just how great it is to be free of those burdens!