Wish I knew what to say. I have no idea where your feelings are coming from, sounds like hate. I can only give you what I know of myself. What I hate the most is what I am when I drink during and mostly after. Pain, anxiety, hate are amplified in a wave that engulfs me leading me to drink more and more to escape. Sober, I can decide that most things are not as consequent to me or to the world around me. I tend to say " Big deal" or "So what" I might also look at "the failure of nebula and super nova" as something quite extraordinary that leads to a new genesis. I look for ways to love life, it makes it so much easier.
You've been inspirational to me. I'm counting on you to grasp at something, stop the fall, and climb back up.