KittyTET

As sandradawg pointed out, I haven't posted in a while. Here is what has transpired:

I did end up driving back to the house Monday evening with my car still packed. However, he did not come home. He used the situation as yet another excuse to stay in Columbus and drink again. I wasn't surprised that he used this as an excuse to drink, I just simply could not get over the fact that he was blatantly choosing THEM over his wife and marriage. Not only that, but I started thinking about all the worst case scenarios and became frightened that he may even get sucked into THEIR habits and try drugs. After a big freak out, though, I had my own moment of clarity. I slept at the house that night for the sake of my three dogs (we have no human children, btw), but the next day (yesterday) I left knowing that I wouldn't be home that evening.

I should also mention that Tuesday night (his second night of relapse), after going back and forth with him over text messages and finally a phone conversation I got tired of him trying to rationalize everything, defending his "support group", and trying to turn everything around to make it look like I was leaving because I'm selfish. So, I finally just said, "Look, you are obviously so devoted to those people you are with that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You are an extremely intelligent man, though, so I know eventually you will see your situation for what it really is. However, because my #1 goal has been to help you with your recovery and you are now making a decision that is hurting those efforts, I simply cannot support your decision. Furthermore, I refuse to sit at home alone while you continue to leave me to be with those people. I am not your mother and I would never tell you that you CAN'T be friends with them. Your decisions are yours to make, so if you honestly believe that you still NEED those people, then that's where you need to be. I am not leaving because I no longer support you. I am not leaving because I'm angry or disappointed in your relapse. I am not leaving because I no longer love you. I love you will all my heart. I never wanted to leave you and I still do not want to leave now, but this situation is FORCING me to leave. I have to, for my own sanity." With that, I hung up and took the phone off the hook.

He called a lot yesterday and I finally decided to take his call simply because I needed to know if he was going to come home so I could make a decision about what to do with my dogs. He said he was driving home and he sounded awful. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Everything. I am really trying to find a reason not to end my life right now." Not to sound cold hearted, but I had predicted the suicide threat already and I wasn't surprised. I'm not saying that I don't take him seriously, but whenever he feels like he's being backed into a corner I usually get a threat of either suicide or relapse. He'd already relapsed, so I got suicide this time. I replied by saying, "This is why you really should have a Sponsor." He said, "Please, PLEASE do not talk about Sponsors or any of that AA stuff right now. That's all I've been talking about for days. Just talk to me about something nice." I was quiet for a long time and finally said, "I don't know what else I can say at this point." That's when his call waiting beeped in and he actually had the nerve to say, "Oh, hold on. Let me call you back. I HAVE to take this." I was 100% certain that the call was from one of the Columbus people, so when we hung up I simply turned off my ringer. He had put them before me for the last time.

I ignored probably 50 phone calls and text messages from him for the remainder of the day. I stopped by my house, let the dogs out and gave them plenty of food and water for the night, then I went to my Dad's. I felt horrible about leaving the girls (dogs), though, because if my husband wasn't going to be home then they wouldn't be able to go back out to use the bathroom until I returned the next morning. Still, I didn't want to run the risk of my AH coming home, so I left.

Well, the last time I talked to my AH he asked if I was going to be home because he didn't feel like he should be alone. Again, I recommended he go to a local AA meeting and get some phone numbers. He said he really didn't want to be with strangers tonight, he wanted to be with someone familiar. Half-jokingly I said, "Well, since I'm not going to be home you can invite one of your Columbus friends down. How about Kerri? Invite her over." He didn't get the sarcasm, though, and replied, "She can't. She's got some other stuff going on tonight." Well, that just told me he was still planning to stay in contact with those people and solidified my decision to stay at my Dad's.

My AH ended up staying in Athens last night with another man he'd met while he was in rehab, "Preacher" (that's what my AH calls him because he's a preacher). Preacher entered rehab right before my AH was discharged and he's not really a part of the other Columbus group of friends. Again, he lives in Athens, not Columbus, and Preacher just got out of rehab a couple weeks ago. I'm only saying this to identify the man for you guys, not to make it sound like I approve of my husband staying with him. I still think he should have come HOME, gone to an AA meeting and gotten a Sponsor.

Anyway, he texted me a few times last night, but I didn't reply. He told me he loved me in one, that he needed me more than ever in another, but most of the texts were basically just telling me what he was up to. One said he was fishing with Preacher, then another said they were picking herbs and veggies from the garden to go with the fish, etc. At 1:40 AM, though, I got a message that said, "Relapse begets relapse. I have overcome that horrible fear through help from these people. I feel at peace at this moment, so let me carry that into our life if you will still have me."

I know he's lost and just trying to figure out who he is right now, but it's like he's in an amoeba phase or something. He just keeps taking the shape of the people he's with at the moment. I don't believe for one second that he figured out all his problems after spending just one evening with this Preacher. Furthermore, when he said, "through the help of these people," I don't know if he meant the people he was with last night, or the people from Columbus. Either way, I'm not buying it. I don't blame him or anything. Like I said, I know he's just trying to find himself right now, but I'm still not coming home.

Before I'll be ready to come home, I want him to learn how to stand on his own two feet. I want him to learn how to make GOOD decisions. In my opinion, he needs to come home, find an AA group that he wants to make his Home Group, and then find a Sponsor. He needs to start viewing HOME as his source of peace, support and security. He needs the help of professionals and a Sponsor who has maintained sobriety for a number of years, NOT other recovering addicts who are just as confused as he is. Just because recovering addicts can relate to what he's going through DOES NOT qualify them to actually help him through his own recovery. I want my AH to figure all of this out on his OWN, though, without me having to tell him my opinions. If I tell him everything I just said here, he might view it as his instructions for getting me to come home rather than what he should be doing for his own benefit. And, of course, if things ever get rough he will always hold it ever my head as something I MADE him do. Not only that, but I want him to realize ON HIS OWN that the people in Columbus are no good for him. I want him to cut them off BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. If he does it just to win me over, then he will always hold that over my head, too.

So, that's basically the line I've drawn in the sand. Until he can show me through his actions that he is finally making good decisions and doing things for HIMSELF and his own recovery, I will continue to stay with my Dad.