Stepping out of the tornado was only part of it for me. A big part, sure, but only the beginning.
I worked with a counselor who helped me set goals that I could accomplish. He literally sat me down and asked:
What would make you feel proud of yourself if you did them?
What specific things would make you feel like you were a strong, confident, self-sufficient woman if you did them?
What do you admire in other women -- or are jealous of -- and wish that you yourself had?
When you get old, and you look back on your life, what do you want to be SURE you accomplished in the time you had here?
He helped me to set up concrete goals, with small, measurable steps to get to them. The rationale was that putting my mind to something I was passionate about, and then attaining it, would build my self-esteem one small block at a time.
I didn't believe it would work. I thought my self esteem would take much more than that to build.
I was wrong. I wanted things like a home of my own, a degree in a field I was crazy about, an art form I'd gotten good enough at to sell my work, the ability to donate a needed skill to my community, the strength to say "no, I don't want that" to anyone in my life and follow through, and many more small (and big) things.
And the more I chalked these things up, the more I looked at myself in the mirror and felt respect. It was like that line in the Walt Whitman poem that says, "I am larger, better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness." (Song of the Open Road, from Leaves of Grass)
And again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record here, Martha Beck's book (audio set, really) of The Joy Diet was a day-to-day road map for me to do this, and it's one I still use several times a year to stay on track with maintaining healthy self-esteem.
Do you have a counselor, missfixit? Can you put them to work on this specific issue -- with concrete suggestions for working on it, not just philosophy? Made all the difference in the world with me -- ALL the difference.
((((( MissFixit )))))
p.s. -- staying away from all people who sought to break down my self-esteem to build themselves up -- everyone, including family -- was a fundamental part of this too. They all had to learn how to knock that off, or they were out. Starting with my X.