My First 30 Days
I read some previous posts about counting days, and I agree with others that I really don't want to focus on counting days as a whole, but I want to share what I've learned from my first 30 days of sobriety.
I can't believe I waited this long to give up drinking. I am so happy and grateful. I am no longer living in fear and separation.
For the last year I tried to "moderate" my drinking. I knew I had a problem and a long troubled history with alcohol, but I thought if I really, really tried this time, I could control it. I figured, it took 28 days to break a habit, so I would quit drinking for 30 days, then I would re-train myself to drink properly.
So off I went. I had two or three successful occasions, in about, oh...30 or more drinking binges??? And yes, maybe those couple of times I drank and didn't get smashed, but I was still consumed and possessed by the thought of alcohol. And the binges continued and the insanity continued. Could I have one more and not get too drunk? If my liver metabolizes one drink in an hour, how many drinks can I drink without technically being drunk tomorrow morning? Does everyone know I have a problem? I was tired of having blackouts and not remembering things, so I would make lists with the times of what I was doing, so when I woke up I could piece together the night. Although, there was always a drop off and a huge gap of time that I could never remember.
So I gave up the struggle of "moderating," and taking all the little mental alcohol quizzes, and it was like this weight has been taken off my shoulders. When I wake up, I don't have to try and figure out if I'm going to drink that day, or if I go out, if I'm going to have a drink, or 3 or 4. Or how I'm going to sneak in more booze without people noticing. Or worry that my eyes or too bloodshot or that the lingering smell of alcohol will give away my big secret.
I feel like I am traveling the road back to me. The me that I lost a long time ago. The me that I always knew was there, the truth of who I am, waiting patiently to be released. I am so grateful for today, and that instant, that moment that took hold thirty days ago that inspired me to give up alcohol for good.