I just wonder if I'm making more of all of this than is necessary. Maybe it's not so bad and I'm just expecting something unreasonable?
It's a fairly common result of living with an alcoholic to minimize the kinds of things that to anyone outside of the alcoholic relationship would appear unacceptable and insane. And sadly, alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only gets worse and more intense, not better.
My dad was an alcoholic. Never lost his job or had a DUI. But I learned a lot of really bad ways to handle my emotions as a child growing up w/ an alcoholic father and a codie mom.
I learned to minimize people's unacceptable behavior.
I learned to be ashamed.
I learned to deny reality.
I learned that my parents were total hypocrites, and that they lied to themselves, to each other, to us, and to the outside world.
I learned, from mom, that what other people thought of us was more important than what was really going on.
I could go on.
I've left those things behind thanks to AlAnon and therapy. But not until I recreated perfectly the dynamic of my parent's marriage (minus the alcohol - I thought I was so clever - but I married an irresponsibiliholic! Who I was certain if i just showed him the error of his ways he would "get it" and get help and be the man I thought he should be! I am very happily divorced needless to say!)
I sure do wish someone in my childhood had the guts to call it what it was: alcoholism. And to let me know that the way my parents behaved wasn't healthy and wasn't how it HAD to be.
I hope you can do the right thing by your kids and be in reality with them. If my memories are any indication they know much more than you realize and at an earlier age than you think. I was aware in 1st grade of my dad's drinking problem and my mom's problem with my dad's drinking problem.
All that energy my mother put in to maintaining the illusion of a normal family - wow! because it was not based in reality it came to no good.
Your post asked if you are doing more harm by staying? Only you can answer that for yourself - I just hope that whether you stay or go you get the issue out in the open for your kids when they are older so they won't be ashamed and so they know they have one reliable truth-telling sober parent who sees what they see.
peace-
b