rmm

I don't know what to do and the more I read here, the more I see myself in so many of you- particularly those who have chosen to leave.

I feel NOTHING but hurt and anger and resentment toward my husband. I can't look him in the eye because I just see the man I thought I knew and who I loved intensely and I don't feel that way anymore.

I don't know how or what words to use to explain clearly to him how his drinking (which he doesn't think is that serious and he thinks I'm exagerrating the effect it has had on "us") has killed most of what used to exist between us. I don't know how to begin to tell him why I don't want to stay right now.

He doesn't hurt me physically, he doesn't scream and yell, but the words he says in a calm voice are hurtful as any screaming or hitting. He's apathetic about everything in life, he doesn't seem to want to make changes (he stopped drinking but doesn't want to see a counselor, or go to AA so his personality is still the same as when he drinks). I am beginning to reflect on our life together and realize that most of the great talks we've had, most of the times I recall having fun in the past few yrs with him have been times when alcohol has been involved. I'm not sure what there is between us without alcohol.

I think that if I were not here he would have to choose whether to get better or not. Right now he seems to think that he can act however he wants b/c I will stay no matter what.

I am tired of being sad and lonely all the time. I don't know if or when any spark will come back between us and I live my life waiting for the few good moments we have.

Would it be better for all involved (we have 2 young girls) for us to be separate while he chooses whether or not to fully invest in his recovery? I am leaning toward thinking that it would. It seems to me that for as long as he knows I am here, there's no real incentive to do the hard, soul searching work that he needs to. I've been sitting for the past week just waiting for him to talk to me about his plans for recovery, or to ask for help, or to show any indication that he is consumed by this even half as much as I am. So far I've gotten nothing. He wants to just chat about the weather and try to play "normal" and all I can do is wonder what the hell is going on with him, whether he wants to get better, whether he even sees that he needs help and how to keep my sanity and perhaps find happiness somehow for myself again.

But then when I feel certain that leaving temporarily would be best, I think to myself-- what would everyone else think? how do i explain how a non-violent, financially supportive, responsible man is someone i am leaving?

I have no idea what to do....