KittyTET

Rehab is an intense environment. My husband was with this certain group of people from 5:00 AM until after midnight every single day and their days were filled with grueling therapy sessions that were very emotionally charged. I realize that in this kind of environment it is almost inevitable you are going to develop strong, intimate bonds with the people who are going through the same experience with you. However, the day my husband called me from rehab and told me he'd become friends with an "amazing girl" named Kerri, my heart sank a little. I knew instantly that he and Kerri were developing more than just a spiritual bond. At the same time, though, I was very understanding about it. After all, he wasn't going to be in rehab forever and I knew any emotions they were feeling for each other at that time were superficial at best.

Well, as I mentioned in my previous post, now that he is home my husband has been spending a lot of time on the phone with his friends from rehab, especially Kerri, and has made several trips out of town to visit with them all again. We finally had "the talk" yesterday during which I gave him an opportunity to come completely clean about everything that has gone on between him and Kerri. My husband and I have always been completely honest with each other about such things in the past, so I was fully confident that if something had happened between them he would tell me. It took a little poking and prodding on my part, but he did finally confess that he and Kerri had kissed during their stay at rehab. He said it only happened once and it was after they had spent several hours talking about their addictions and all their troubles from their pasts and that sort of thing. He said at the end of the conversation they hugged because they'd just shared such an intense experience, and that's when the kiss "sort of just happened." He swears it did not mean anything and swears even further that they have never kissed since that one incident. To be completely honest, I'm not sure that I believe him, but I do give him credit for at least telling me it happened.

You know, it AMAZES me how much my attitude has changed since I've started educating myself about alcoholism and the behaviors of alcoholics. For example, I'm sure many of you just read that last paragraph and thought, "She's crazy! I would have left him in a second!" In the past, I probably would have felt that way. However, as soon as I started having suspicions about Kerri I started searching online for similar stories and suggestions about what to do. I never found anything specific, but what I did find were articles talking about how we as spouses of alcoholics need to learn to set boundaries for ourselves while also practicing Step 3: Turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

I confess, I am still stuck on Step 3. While I do hold my own understanding of what God is to me, I have never fully turned my life or decisions over to Him. My belief has always been sort of the opposite, actually. I have always believed that God sort of creates certain life situations FOR us and then leaves it up to US to make the right decision and do the right thing. In other words, God has presented me with this situation where my husband is having an emotional and supposedly not-so-physical affair with another woman, so now the ball is in MY court. Do I give my husband an ultimatum and threaten to leave him if he does not stop seeing Kerri and talking to her on the phone? Or do I give him the benefit of the doubt and trust his promise that they are not carrying on a physical relationship? According to Step 3, however, I think what I'm REALLY supposed to do is just not spend any more time worrying myself about it and just tell God that I am putting this situation in His hands and be prepared to accept the outcome.

Now that I think about it, though, aren't Step 3 and my option of giving my husband the benefit of the doubt kind of the same thing? After all, by giving my husband the benefit of the doubt and trusting his promise that he is not carrying on a physical relationship with Kerri, I will ultimately be putting the situation in God's hands because either way I have put the ball in my AH's court and I will need to prepare myself for the outcome. My husband will either continue a platonic relationship with Kerri based upon moral support, or he will betray my trust and overstep my boundaries, which, by the way, I have now clearly explained to him.

Wait, did I just answer my own question? I guess I just didn't realize before that by trusting my husband I am also practicing Step 3. So, that is probably what I will do. Any thoughts?