Lost My Thread
Hi All~
First and foremost, I just read that some of you were asking about me in the MIA thread. I want to thank you and let you know how touched I am that you were concerned.
For months, I was doing really well. It was certainly a struggle. But nothing compared to the nightmare that ended in an emergency room just about a year ago. For a time I stopped frequenting SR because it had become my new addiction--lol.
I have been back a bit lately, mostly *lurking about*. I'm reluctant to use that ugly word *relapse* and I'm reluctant to tell that same sad story you have all heard time and again. Yet, here I am again facing down the same demon all over again. All I can say is that I wasn't as courageous or as together as I thought I was. Enough of the *life stuff* piled on again and I succumbed.
I would like to think that I will not always be an emotional and financial wreck, making up for years of doing damage. I would like to think that, at some point, all the mounds of self-focus and so-called "improvement" can be released into something more mature and balanced. Say, a healthy relationship or a job with some sort of meaning, helping others.
But here I am again, alone, frustrated and frightened. I don't have kids, a significant other, a viable career, insurance or even savings. All I have that has meaning anymore is a little cat I am considering finding a better home for because I am clearing incapable of building a stable life.
There is no way to write this without sounding like a victim and that alone has kept me (mostly) silent for more than a month. I am scared and worried that this time there is no hope, there is no thread which kicks me in the butt in the morning and says "Stop this right now and reach for a brighter goal".
It is a scary place to be and I thank you all in advance for being supportive. I called around yesterday, looking for detox options (I'm in that shaking, vomiting, fun stage) and I'm finding it a discouraging situation. I don't have a doc, no insurance and AA has never been a help to me (though I am grateful that it helps many others). What to do?