I frequently delved into the unknown with my ex as well. Things just weren't 'right' and I broached the subject out of my desire for a connection and some intimacy we once shared. On more than one occasion, I explained feeling like nothing more than a roommate... with the exception that I'd had better roommates because they shared financial and other responsibilities of a household. Snarky... you bet. Passive-aggressive... you bet. It's too much to cope with alone, which is what delivered me to my own recovery.
I also noted a similar dynamic to my relationship and that is common when addiction is injected into a relationship... many, if not all, of the issues I raised were never addressed. I then became the a55hole baldjim referred to and gave her plenty of ammunition to form such an opinion of me. I would find myself apologizing for my behavior and words only to realize I was suffocating my own needs... and furthermore to find the 'rational' answer I sought, such as why her vehicle had been repossessed, was left unanswered. My guilt and shame dominated until I lost trust in my own thinking and the apologies became about who I am and what I needed rather than for simply a55hole behavior.
I think you said it best and have found an answer for yourself when you spoke of being tired of finding ways to cope with the screwed-up thinking. It's when I look to the behavior of others to determine my next course of thinking, feeling, or behaving that I become most lost and distant from myself. Though not perfect, my recovery has focused much on holding onto what is good about me and not allowing the good qualities and beliefs to be repressed by secrecy and deception of others. With that being said, I also have to allow others their screwed-up thinking if that is what they so choose.
If you don't want someone to get your goat, don't show 'em where you tie it up.
Glad you're here.
Many Blessings,
Shaman