benham- wow- your statement about your wife saying similar things about regretting telling you the truth hurting more than being hit really hit me hard (no pun intended). i told my husband that his telling me that really, really hurt and he totally brushed it off and told me i misinterpreted what he meant and he turned it around somehow so that i wound up apologizing to him for being upset and i ultimately felt bad for him. now i'm rethinking it and am really sad again and angry. as for the kids deserving at least one sane parent...you know what's sad... i feel like my husband is the saner parent to our girls right now. i am such a wreck 24:7 wondering what he's next going to get upset with me about, what i'm going to get blamed for doing, when he's going to sneak drinks and try to hide it etc... that it has made me a miserable wretch of a mom and wife... it's a sad sign that my happiest times are when he's not home. when he stays late at work, goes away for the weekend with my brothers or is working is when it's the most relaxed. weekends are pure hell around here.
to everyone: thanks for all your advice and thoughts. i should have sought this place out years ago since i've been concerned since we first started dating-- but we were youngish and i chalked up the drinking to being out of college and part of the age...i think when i first posted here this morning part of me hoped that everyone would say "he's fine, you're the problem" because then i could focus on fixing me and be in control. i guess deep down i knew the answers to my questions before i asked them. i really don't know how to let go of wanting to try and control my husband in order to make him be more responsible and healthy. i guess i can't do those things for him , can i?
has anyone else had the experience of feeling like you can't even look your spouse in the eyes anymore because it hurts too much to look at them and wonder where the person is that you fell in love with since they aren't there anymore? i find myself averting my gaze when we talk and can't remember the last time i felt comfortable looking him straight in the eye when we talked. that's pretty sad i think.