Originally Posted by
rmm 
right now I feel about ready to lose what's left of my mind.....He's not violent or abusive. He's great with our children. He's a responsible man, has a good job, is intelligent and kind, but has a definite drinking problem and it has caused a rift the size of the Grand Canyon between us. To the outside world I come off looking like a pissed off, bitchy wife who is unfairly critical of my husband, but I think that my anger comes from being so sad and lonely and tired of the distance that has grown between us. I am not proud of who I've become and I hate that I am a sad, scared, paranoid person now. .
Welcome Rmm. I am so glad you decided to post. I too found reaching out for help scary. What you wrote above describes me and my situation exactly. I was an emotional basketcase 3 years ago. My husband was an high functioning A that to the outside world was "Guy of the Year". I was you.
I helped myself in the following ways. First I had to acknowledge there was a definite problem_ _ with me. I had to recognize that my body had been trying to tell me all along that something was wrong and I refused to listen. I didn't think I had the right to live the life I was meant to live. I became so enmeshed in him I was lost. On top of it he was lying, gas-lighting, blame shifting, ...and other emotionally abusive behaviors. I was convinced I was bad and wrong and if only........(fill in the blank of some behavior I could adjust). One day I had enough and found myself sobbing in an Alanon meeting and that the was start of my new life.
Second, I had to accept that I could not control anyone but me. I realized I was pretty mixed up about relationships, boundaries, etc and I sought the guidance of a therapist with an addictions background. I also attended Alanon, and I read a lot of books, and posted here.
I also started to take care of me. At first just little tiny steps. All those little tiny steps have led to me a place of peace and joy. Yeah, sometimes I am still angry, resentful, remorseful...but those are feelings that are part of my recovery. I no longer "fall into my pit" and stay there for weeks on end.
I like my life now. I hope you find the support and guidance you need to help you too find serenity and joy.