I knew there was one other thing I wanted to add. After he told me about his drinking and lying for the past few years and told me he had no ability or desire to care about my feelings about all of this right now, he ended by telling me that his biggest fear in telling me this was that I would leave him. I instantly reassured him I wouldn't and told him it meant a lot that he opened up to me and was honest with me. Later in the week during another conversation, he reitterated that he needed to just focus on him right now. He said he was "reeling" from telling me all he did and couldn't focus on anyone else. (I wasn't asking him to focus on anyone else by the way). So, trying to be supportive of what he was saying, I said that it seemed to me that before we could work on "us", he needed to work on himself and get to a place where he felt better first. I said that (and I was crying by this point) that as much as it hurt me to say it, if he felt he needed to be alone for a while in order to focus 100% of getting himself better, I understood. His reaction was a look filled with venom and he said to me that I was "unreasonable and uncaring" and that he regretted telling me the truth that he'd told me a few nights before.
This to me is just another example of how he is much more comfortable assuming that I am out to get him instead of assuming that I am loving and caring toward him. I tried to offer a solution that went along with what he said he wanted and the reaction I got was him telling me I am a terrible person.
I am soooooo tired of feeling like crap about myself all the time because of the screwed up way his mind works and the mind games he plays. I don't think he does it intentionally (one of his favorite lines is: I didn't set out to intentionally hurt you so you shouldn't feel hurt"). Basically no matter how I feel, I am always wrong. He always has an excuse for what he's said or done and I am always in the wrong for feeling sad or hurt or angry.