I honestly do not feel that responsible drinking is bad. I feel that most people who do drink do it responsibly, and I have no issue with that. I also feel that irresponsible drinking is very bad. The reason I quit isn't because I think alcohol is bad. I quit because I was very wreckless and irresponsible with it and I put myself in extreme jeopardy so many times that I cannot believe I didn't come to a crashing hault rather than stopping on my own. I also feel that I've had setbacks due to constant binge drinking, but that was due to the fact that I binged and didn't control it, not because I drank in the first place. I don't mind if my friends or family drink because I feel most of them do it responsibly.

-Having said what I said above, it's been kind of awkward breaking the news to several people that I know that I've quit drinking and don't plan to do it again any time soon. When they ask why, I point to a few examples of when I put myself in situations that could have easily turned out to be much more disastrous than what they did, and that I just don't want to take anymore chances. The common response is "well, just don't drink so much and you'll be fine." They're right, but what they don't understand is that the best way for me to not drink "so much" is to not drink at all. I don't know if I can make them understand that. I suspect that certain people now think of me as being weak because I cannot do something as simple as control my drinking. What do I say to these people, if anything??

-Is it possible for me to become a social and responsible drinker?? Before answering that, don't panic. I haven't been sober for that long (seven days), but I have no plans on drinking tomorrow, or the next day. I have some college friends that are coming to visit me over the Fourth of July, and I've already told them that I've quit drinking. ("for awhile" is how I put it. I never told them it was for good, and maybe it's not, but it is going to be for at least one more week) I said I had no problems hanging out with them and that I still wanted them to come, but that I've scared myself one too many times and because of that I'm not going to drink.

However, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a social and responsible drinker, and if I could some day become one myself I don't think that it would be a bad thing. It's just right now I do not feel that I can, and I feel that a non-drinker is ten times better than a habitual binge drinker, which is what I am/was.

-Am I an alcoholic, or a habitual binge drinker?? The reason I ask is because quitting so far hasn't been THAT much of a struggle. I don't have cravings if I don't drink. I just binge when I do drink. I want my fourth drink way more than I want my first, and my eighth drink way more than I want my fourth, and my twelve drink more than my eighth, and so on. Is there even a difference between an alcoholic and a habitual binge drinker?? I'm asking because I don't know. I'm not trying to deny that I am an alcoholic. I'm merely trying to identify whether or not I am one. I'm being totally honest when I say that.

-I've been able to tell most of my friends over the past week (although not all), but I don't know how to tell my parents. I just visited them over the weekend, and wanted to tell them, but I didn't. The biggest issue is that they have no idea how irresponsible I've been over the past ten years. They have no idea of how on a seemingly regular basis, I put myself in a jeopardizing situation that could have turned out horribly bad. If I told them, it would upset them and scare them, especially since I've been sober for such a short time (one week). I want to tell them, but decided it's better to talk about a shaky past once it's further in the past. I wanted to give it a few weeks or months rather than just a few days. I don't know how they'll react. I'd like to think that relief will be one of the emotions, but it may not be the only one. Anger might be another because they will not be able to understand why I did so many stupid things. To be honest, I'm not sure I can explain that to them. Both my parents drink (responsibly) and I don't think they'll point to alcohol as being the source of the problem. They'll point to my own personal irresponsibility as being the source of the problem, and I can't say that I think they're entirely wrong. Still, it's an unplesant thing to think about. It's not going to be easy for me to admit to my parents what a screw up I was for so many years, and that the only reason I'm not in jail and have not lost my job is because I'm very very very lucky.

-The regrets of my wreckless past is still haunting me, along with asking myself "what if this had happened??" What if that had happened??" "What if I hadn't been so lucky??" It's driving me crazy. I'd almost describe it as borderlined tortureous. Is there a way to deal with this, or is it good that I feel this way??

Anyway, I'm still feeling out this whole recovery thing. I hope the above post doesn't alarm anyone or upset anyone. I know some of it is unlike what most people probably post and feel, but I wanted to share nevertheless. I'm still committed to quitting, and sometimes writing like I have helps, even if it sounds bizarre to others.

thanks, and peace,

Ortho