Managed to fic my pc. it only took me all night and all morning. My troublr shooting skills are a bit dull. The Dr spent alot of time with me and did a pretty intensive check. He tried to talk me into going to ER but I sadi no. So he told me he had no choice but togive me some medication and to come in 3 times a week. The pills are helping a little but not as much as I thought they would.
But I think now I got the system down in the medical profession. You cant get help from just knocking on deaths door. You have to getting ready to open it.
If there was something they could have given me to make last night easier,well no, maybe I needed to go through that to learn.
Im not sure getting angry is good for me. I dont really have any coping skills for this. The past 20 yrs drinkiing was the only coping skill I needed.
With all this time to think while my brain is going 1000 mph but stil not able to grab a whole lot of it, I am seeing the road ahead and am now starting to get scared on the things I see around me that will have to change if I am going to succeed. But Im trying not to get ahead of myself. It's taking everything I got to just get through this. I cant tell you how many things are hurting right now on so many different levels,but then again,I dont have to.You already know.
Im really starting to battle depression this afternoon. I cant quite put my finger on it. It feels kind of like a grieving. Not only to what I am giving up but of the things I may have to gdo and give to see this through. I know this sounds crazy but when I get through this it feels like Im going to look back and think this was the easy part. But to be able to "stand and be true"
Thats accomplishment seems impossable to me right know.
I know Im babbling but I dont know what esle to do. This is my only outlet right now. Im struggling with so mny physical AND mental crap right now I need to be very careful. I keep. Crap I need to shut up for a while.
Thank you for alll the support. I'll be back. I was going to re-read this to correct all the spelling errors I made but if I do that i'll erase 90% of what I just wrote. I think Im going to want to reference this at another time.
You people are never ceasing to amaze me.
I was just looking to the smilies at the right hoping I could use one. But I just dont have much of a sense of humor right now.
Adios for now
--J