facing2day

Inside n out?

I have been here (this forum) on and off the last 24 hours reading. I joined yesterday afternoon. I hung out in chat last night and was welcomed and made to feel at home, thanks.

Thanks for being here to give me/others a place to turn.

So, here I am. Should I feel this way? …a plain mess. Inside and Out.

My story:

Around last week of Aprill, first week of May this year, I started to believe I was an alcoholic.

I am going to be 39 in Aug. I had been drinking since age 15, socially. At age 27 I was drinking every weekend, then it became daily. I drank and drove and had a serious 1 car motor vehicle accident and broke my neck, shoulders, (one is now metal replacement), collapsed lungs, ect. Not good. I was court ordered to AA and spent time in DUI driving class, the whole time thinking, “I’m not like these people….some of these people have had this happen before, how could they drink again??

Long story…..longer

It took me 2 yrs to recover physically, from accident, no problems not drinking, the first year….sadly the 2nd year I was drinking on the weekends again.

I could sit here and type about the ups and downs over the years, the past wit family, the children (3 beautiful) , divorce (1 over, 1 almost over), blaming everything on what has brought me here….I won’t, I can't. I, ME, am the alcoholic. WOW.

It was a slow progression….a little more here, there…. No one had a clue, I was a functioning alcoholic. Not only did no one else see it, I didn’t see it!!!! UNTIL….I HAD to drink a few weeks ago to control shaking, DURING the DAY, to control the physical things that were happening to my body. I started reading on the internet and learning about alcoholism and it hit me like a TON of BRICKS. I let something like this ‘get’ me. I am an alcoholic.

Long story…just a bit longer (thanks for puttin’ up with me)

I called my husband (we are separated, but, thank goodness have a great parenting relationship and friendship) and told him he needed to come take me to Rehab. I had tried for 2 weeks to “do this on my own” but I am afraid for my physical health. I needed meds to keep me from shaking. I told him I didn’t want to die trying to quit drinking and just needed a few days. He came right over and drove me to rehab, this was on 5/18…I arrived at midnight, drinking all the way there knowing it would be my last. I spent until 5/22, 4 days and felt like a new person. Came home, life moves on.

Just a bit more, a wee bit more (didn’t realize how long it could take to type about about of month of happenings)……

7 days goes by, no problems, no drinking. Friend stops by with tequila, have a few shots….wake up next morning, I am shaking, it starts again. I am right back where I started. That lasted for 1 week ½ or so and leads me to how I ended up at what I think is ‘bottom’ and also here…

Week of 6/15, I'm almost done, I promise, telling myself this has got to stop, I have no time left to take off work. How do I get through work without drinking to keep from shaking?? How does this cycle end?

I remembered a drug someone told me about in rehab, go to the doc, told him I want drug I heard about in rehab that will make me sick if I drink, that’ll do it. I was now drinking 2- ½ pints of tequila at night, and ½ to 1 pt of vodka during the day to 'maintain' (keep from shaking to death).

BTW, I did no research, he wrote the script, Antabuse, (is there a t?) that was Monday…went with no drinking through Sunday the following week, feeling sick, but getting through, taking Antabuse for those days, every morning drive to doc before work and take pill, no problems, weekend comes, I drink…I almost die, IMO.

Within minutes of taking 2 shots I vomited, felt really bad, heart racing, red faced, scared the bejesus out of me. However, was able to get through it and lay down to sleep….wake up Wed, MASSIVE headache, muscle aches, neck tension, feeling really bad. Went to doc to get my daily pill, I explained to nurse about my symptoms and asked her to call me at work when doc arrives if I should do something more/less. No call.

All day Thursday I am struggling. Nausea, neckache, headache. Go to chiropractor thinking I have a good crick in my neck….. indescribable to anything I felt before…got home and read about Antabuse and have more anxiety that I may have really ‘done it’ this time. A

fter talking in chat and getting less anxious about how I was feeling, they advised I see my Doc asap, which I already knew I had to go this morning for the Antabuse.

Thanking God I woke up, went to see Doc before work. I told him the whole story (by this time I had researched Antabuse and NOW understanding how it works) and he said I was having muscle spasms, tension and other symptoms were all related to the reaction to alcohol and Antabuse and I will be OK as long as I don’t drink again. He gave me 2 new prescriptions, one for muscle spasms (Zanaflex) and one for pain (Voltaren)…..those I took this morning at 1030am est and NO RELIEF yet. (FYI=ALL meds I am on are the Antabus, somedays 2 tabs, somedays 1 in the morning, ativan as needed/3 times daily .05 and vistoral 3 times daily, the 2 latter given to me when I left rehab)

Should I still feel like this???

OK, phew, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I am sorry it was so long but want to get it all out. I do think that’s important to get out my whole tale (I know this will help someone later like the help I have rec’d the last 24 hours reading your stories here, stories I truly wish I had read sooner.)

BTW, I took 2 Tylenol arthritis when I started writing this (just happened to have 650 mg in cabinet at work) and I almost feel normal again, what is up with that??? Maybe they are all just kicking in at once or maybe there is such thing as ‘getting the load of yer shoulders?'??

I am hurting physically and emotionally, so dumb to have let it all gotten this far out of hand! Right now I just want to live through this. I know there is so much work to be done. I am willing and know help is available, now. NOW, that I realize I have this awful problem.

Is all this normal? These physical headache/neckaches, feeling so bad? I didn’t feel like this in rehab. I thought I had beat it and I feel worse today then when all this started. I will NOT drink again, just want to get on the ‘right road’ and stay there…just not sure where that road is at this point, the only thing I am sure of is that I am an alcoholic and need support and guidance.

Thanks again for being here for us going through this. I hope to return the favor when the time is right. No one knows in my ‘real life’ any of this is happening except my husband, my bff, and one teenage child (adult child away at college and clueless), who are all very supporting, but they really can’t relate as you who have been there.