New to Facing The Truth
How did I get here? I often wonder. I fell in love 20 years ago and he was spirited and caring and we laughed - a lot. I see now how I worked from day one to "fix" his problems and when family members warned me he was a drug addict,I laughed. I had never been around a drug addict.Sure, there were nights he was somehow "off" and would repeat himself, but it was so easy to overlook. Afterall, he was charming, and we had so much fun. We married and we had 5 good years. Years that he probably used but kept it controlled enough that I would overlook it. And then it all - slowly - started falling apart.
Over the next ten years, I found my AH 4 times almost dead and the paramedics did not know how if he would live as they put his lifeless body on the helicopter. He did live and over time life moved from overdoses and using and apologies to constant using and abuse of me and my increasing codependency. How many times I have asked myself - why can't I fix this? I can fix anything! How many times did I hope after his high and rampage and devastation that I would hear one "I am sorry". In the last year, I had hoped I would hear "I love you and you are being destroyed by me and I am leaving".
It has been a long hard road for me to face myself in all of this. I am just beginning to see how I have been in the way of him living his true life and feeling the ramifications of it. And I am coming to grip with the fact that I am codependent. I left my AH on June 1 in total fear as his anger reached a peak while he was high and demanding my credit card. I was able to say no. I was able to grab one armful of clothes and go to a friend's house where I remain in safety.
It is now my time to start this painful road to the truth in my life about myself. I am afraid. I am tired of crying. I miss my home. But I will not survive another day with him. And he has no hope of finding his path with me there trying to make it all better. Next month he faces court for a second DWI offense and it is ripping my heart out that he may go to jail. But I remember how thankful I am that he did not hurt anyone while driving a car.
I found this site yesterday. I thank each person who has written. I have been pouring over your words and your wisdom and have found some comfort there. May we all simply find peace in ourselves as we travel down the road we must travel. I wrap my STBX in love and in light and I give him to the universe. I can't change him. I could never change him. I can only change me. I will always love him and hope for him. I look forward to the day I will love myself just as much. Peace to each of you.