one week sober. the perks.
i haven't been hungover in over a week. i haven't found myself wallowing in a quagmire of shame and remorse in over a week. i haven't felt the intense need to apologize to anyone for my actions in over a week. i haven't felt like the scum of the earth in over a week. i haven't felt like a failure of a husband in over a week. i haven't felt like putting a noose around my neck due to an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in over a week.
it's been a good week. why in the name of god would i ever want to return to alcohol? i ask myself this question about 300 times a day. even with all the 'perks' of sobriety i still catch my mind going in dangerous directions. i catch myself thinking of ways i could hide alcohol from my wife so that i could have a drink here and there before going to bed. OH THE INSIDIOUS NATURE OF THIS DISEASE!!! one thing i've been trying to do in the last couple of days is treat this disease the way i always wished i could have treated the high school bully. grab it by the neck and show it who's boss. it works occasionally. sometimes i just want to drink. i guess all i'm trying to say is that i'm sober and loving it but in a nutshell it's still really hard. i'd be lying if i said i didn't still want to drown who i am in high gravity malt liquor. but the one advantage i have now is that i truly know where that road will take me. knowing that and not wanting to face those consequences is slowly but surely becoming stronger than the urge to drink. i'm starting to realize how much time i've wasted and people i've devastated in my blithering drunkenness. working the steps i've realized that the one person that probably won't forgive me for my actions is me. any tips on this one? anybody? i've been such a b*st*rd. a miserable, lying, manipulative sorry excuse for a man. how does one forgive himself for that?